Vinny Testaverde: 44 years old going on... please, just end the misery!

10. Vinny Testaverde – John Carney, Jeff Feagles and the now-fossilized Morten Andersen join Testaverde in the NFL’s forty and older club.  The difference between the rest of these guys and their cousin Vinny is that they belong to the only positions babied more than quarterbacks, the kickers.  An opposing defender can merely bump into Feagles after a punt, and a 15-yard flag is thrown.  Testaverde is expected to line up against some of the most fearsome men in the NFL, who would love nothing more than to send Vinny to the retirement home with a broken neck.  I hope he takes out a large life insurance policy before Sunday when defensive monster Dwight Freeney looks to make sure the 44 year old QB doesn’t reach 45.

9. Rex Grossman – Never before have I seen a quarterback this bad, being so loyally defended by his fans and organization.  In fact, never before have I seen a quarterback this bad.  He spent much of his early career injured, probably figuring out just how much he could suck when he was finally healthy.  Grossman graces this list partly because of the lengthy list of stellar quarterbacks that preceded him; the list for this decade already has eleven names, including Orton, Krenzel, Quinn, Stewart and McNown.  Sexy Rexy also got a boost onto this list by the stubborn decisions of his head coach Lovie Smith, who stood behind Grossman to the Super Bowl guaranteeing the Bears no chance at a ring.  Even after destroying Chicago’s hopes of a Super Bowl victory, Grossman started three games, throwing 6 more interceptions to only one touchdown, before finally being pulled.  Now that the Chicago fans no longer feel a need to blindly follow him, the Sexy Rexy love has quickly turned into hatred.  Practice these six words Rex: “Would you like fries with that?”

8. John Madden – I don’t need to say witty, comical things about Madden, I’ll let him speak for himself.  Here’s five moments of Madden, explaining why he should not be allowed to speak on television.

- He referred to “Big-Game Torry Holt” as “Big Play Isaac Holt” repeatedly during a MNF game in ‘04

- After the camera panned to a full moon on an MNF game, Big John said, “Can you believe a cow jumped over that thing?”

- “When you’re talking about a Mike Shanahan offense, you’re usually talking about an offense.”

- “Predictions are difficult, especially about the future.”

The time he spilled mustard on his red tie, and declared that red and yellow make green. 

7. Matt Millen – The Lions have gone from bad to worse since hiring Millen, with a league-worst 28-74 record.  He has a ridiculous knack for drafting wide receivers in the first round.  He hired a coach, Marty Morningweg, who once elected to kick off after winning the coin toss in overtime.  The fans in Detroit seem to want nothing more than for Millen to be fired.  I attended a Steelers/Lions preseason game in Detroit a few years ago, where the majority of the Lions fans seemed to care more about chanting “Fire Millen” than how the game was going.  They have organized, poorly but organized nonetheless, walkouts of Lions home games.  It’s long been time for Millen to step down.

6. Dick Jauron – How this man continues to be hired for coaching jobs is beyond me.  He has coached one winning season in his entire career, which was immediately followed by a one game playoff exit and a 4-12 reality check the next season.  Outside of the one miracle 13-3 season, Jauron holds a 32-59 career record.  Anyone who needs more, simply watch the Bills this season.  More specifically, recall the Bills matchup against the star-studded Cowboys on Monday Night Football where Jauron made two bone-headed decisions, one at the end of each half.  At the end of the first half, Jauron called on mediocre kicker, Rian Lindell, for a 54 yard field goal.  The distance would match Lindell’s longest, a distance he reached six years ago.  Lindell, of course, missed it, and the Cowboys were able to use the great field position to quickly set up a field goal of their own, reducing the Bills’ halftime lead from 10 to 7.  Then it got better.  At the end of the game, the Cowboys had seven seconds and no timeouts left, and were not yet in field goal range.  The only option for Dallas was to complete a short pass near the sideline, moving Folk to within reasonable kicking range.  The Buffalo coaching staff would surely call for a little-to-no-man rush and a simple, tight protection of the nearby sidelines, right?  Wrong.  With four DL and a secondary playing an almost prevent scheme, the Cowboys were able to complete an eight-yard sideline route to Patrick Crayton, setting up the game-winning field goal.

5. Pacman Jones – Pacman has been arrested six times and questioned by police 11 times since being drafted in 2005 by the Titans.  He has more arrests than interceptions.  His friends are convicted drug dealers.  His arrests include twice spitting on women and pulling an exotic dancers head and slamming it on the stage.  He has also been accused of biting a man’s ankle and his entourage is accused of shooting up a nightclub where Jones had a previous altercation.  Pacman is a coward and a disgrace.  He should stick to winning wrestling matches he refuses to wrestle in, and leave the football to men.

4. Trent Green – If this man values his life, or his supportive family, then he will retire from this sport and make his money signing autographs and making appearances.  In the first game of the 2006 season, Trent Green suffered what was called “a very, very serious concussion” by Chiefs’ general manager, Carl Peterson.  Green had fallen victim of what was determined to be an unintentional hit by Bengals’ DE Robert Geathers, after attempting to slide on a play.  He was knocked unconscious and the game was delayed for over fifteen minutes as he received medical attention.  If this injury was not enough, he was knocked out again after performing a successful cut block on Texans’ DT Travis Johnson.  He was stretchered off the field after nearly five minutes of examination.  Green has since claimed that this concussion was not as severe as the one he suffered last year, and expressed desire to play again before the season is over.  The Dolphins have instead placed him on the Injured Reserve, possibly saving the stubborn man’s life.  He needs to take this blessing and quit football, as he may not get up the next time.

3. Roy Williams – We move from the constantly injured to the constantly injuring.  The hard-hitting Dallas safety, sometimes referred to as “Biscuit” as he has was once called “one biscuit away from a linebacker,” has been the center of controversy over the safety of NFL players.  In 2004, he severely injured four players while performing his signature “horse-collar” tackle, most notably Jamal Lewis and Terrell Owens.  The league banned the tackle, but it has not stopped Williams.  He has continued to use this technique, racking up fines and penalties along the way, seemingly oblivious to the consequences.  On one play this year, Williams had one hand performing a horse-collar while the other hand was yanking down on the opponent’s facemask.  He completely disregards the safety of other players and should be banned from football before he seriously injures more players.

2. The Cincinnati Bengals – The Cincinnati Bengals transcend bad.  They go beyond horrible, terrible, awful and all other negative adjectives in the English language.  They seem to have created their own word for bad, The Bungles, coined by NFL commentators during the five-year period between 1998-2002, where the Bengals went 19-61.  Since the free-agency era, the Bengals have one more win than the league-worst Arizona Cardinals, and are on track this year to take that prized record back.  They have had one winning season since going 9-7 in 1990, which is also the last time they won a playoff game, the longest drought in the NFL.  But it’s not just how horrendous they are at football.  It’s the fact that there team fits the orange of their jerseys a little too well, closely resembling the uniforms given to prison inmates.  The Bengals had nine players arrested in a nine-month span and the legal problems show no sign of stopping.  Maybe the Cincinnati team should all turn in their tiger stripes for prison stripes, and run around the field in serial-numbers.  If players get new rules named after them, the Bengals should have Commissioner Roger Goodell’s new Conduct Policy named after them. They have wasted a premier, Heisman-winning QB in Carson Palmer, who on another team would undoubtedly have Super Bowl rings by now.  They have wasted a good coach in Marvin Lewis on a horrendous team.  Flashy WR Chad Johnson would do better in the high-flying, high-scoring arena leagues where his TD catches might keep up with his mouth.  Or maybe they can all team up with The Rock and make a killer prison league team.

1. Walt Coleman – Fans of almost every team has a story about Walt Coleman where he “cheated” their team, except maybe the New England Patriots.  Forget the infamous “Tuck Rule” call, the football world may never agree on whether Coleman made a good call on a bad rule, or just a bad call.  How about December 14^th, 2002?  The NFL acknowledged Coleman’s officiating crew made at least nine mistakes in that game.  The referee has more hatred for him than Mike Millen.  There are websites devoted to recording Coleman’s incompetence and he has been called the worst official in not just football, but all sports.  This comes from www.sportsgambling.about.com:  “Coleman’s officiating is simply embarrassing to the league, disgusting to the fans and bordering on criminal in nature.”  It’s time that NFL referees worked almost year-round as the players do.  Many of the NFL’s officials hold other jobs in the off-season, and only have to submit a monthly “rules examination,” which is not graded and is merely used to “keep the rules fresh” in the minds of the officials.  Since the rulings of referees can be the deciding factors in games, it’s time they start ridding the league of poor officials such as Coleman, and extensively training highly effective ones.