Devin Hester:  The Flash – Hester is the most electrifying player in football right now.  When opponents punt to the Bears, everyone holds their breath.  Players and fans on both sides of the ball simply wait for what seems to be inevitable:  if the ball is catchable, its going to be a touchdown.  All Hester has to do is find the smallest of holes, crank the turbo, and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop him.

Domata Peko:  A chinchilla – You might not know his name, but if you’ve watched a Bengals game recently, you most likely know who I’m referring to.  As a Steelers fan, it seems hypocritical to make fun of a player’s long hair, but Troy’s locks at least look human.  The only thing that comes to mind when looking at Peko from behind is that someone should call PETA, as it can not be humane to shove such a small, innocent creature in that helmet for an entire football game.  It’s quite a simple outfit for Peko as well; He would merely need to paint on some whiskers and run around in a giant plastic ball all night. 

The rest of the Cincinnati Bengals:  Prison Inmates – I know I say this often, but the amazing crime spree of this group never ceases to amaze me.  Nine arrests in nine  months and you thought it was done.  They’re half-way there on their costumes as it stands.  They wear standard prison-issue orange, and the uniforms already come partly striped.  You almost feel bad for them though.  They can hardly hold onto a football, how can you expect them to keep a firm grip on the soap?

Shawne Merriman:  The Six Million Dollar Man – I think San Diego’s star linebacker took this movie to heart.  After all, he does have a $6 million option bonus in his contract.  How could he better insure he gets his hands on that?  By making himself bigger, faster, stronger.  Unfortunately he went the Hollywood route and improved himself artificially, not through hard work.

Brett Favre:  The Energizer Bunny – In my last article I ripped players such as Testaverde for overstaying their welcome in the league.  What’s the difference between Favre and the rest of the NFL’s Kiwanis club?  Talent.  Lots of it.  I hope that Favre never retires.  As long as he continues to perform like he has been this year, why should he?  He’s averaging just under 300 yards a game, has almost twice as many TDs as interceptions, and just like the Battery Bunny, shows no sign of stopping.

Daunte Culpepper:  Captain Merrill Stubing – So he may not be at the helm of the Pacific Princess, but who can forget the escapades of Culpepper, half the Minnesota Vikings players and a gathering of out-of-state strippers?  It seems the NFL can’t go a year without a scandal of this magnitude, nor can the players stay out of trouble when around strippers.  Pacman anyone?  I guarantee Minnesota fans will never forget this, as I have never seen a team’s supporters more ashamed of their team.

Travis Henry:  Bob Marley – Dreadlock his hair, tie-dye everything he owns and start singing for legalization at his court hearings and he can pull it off.  This is something I’ll never understand with professional athletes.  You make millions of dollars to play the sport you love, why on Earth do you need to turn to drugs?  You can’t have enough fun without them?  You can get into the most popular clubs, the best restaurants, and probably not even have to dip into that lucrative bank account of yours as every club owner would do backflips to have such high status as a customer.  Do you really want to be the next Ricky Williams? Put down the peacepipe, pick up golfing or  something.

Bill Belichick:  Peeping Tom – I was originally thinking Steven Spielberg, the only problem is he tends to make films legally.  Replace that ridiculous hoodie with a bush and a pair of binoculars and presto, Bill can resemble the sneaking little spy he is.  Maybe the league officials can dress up with him.  They can be the corrupt cops who catch the voyeur in the act, toss the evidence without reviewing it, and then release him back on the streets with a slap on the wrist.

Ray Lewis:  Michael Myers – One of these characters runs around with a knife stabbing people, and the other stars in a horror series.  I have a feeling Lewis has just as many sequels in store.  In fact, Steelers fans couldn’t help but wonder where old Ray was when Joey Porter got shot.  I’d check out those alibis. 

Michael Vick:  A football player – Vick’s got it the easiest out of this entire list.  All he has to do is throw on an old jersey again and pretend like he’s back in his glory days.  You know, the one’s before he got busted drowning dogs and such.  Face it Mike, it’s the closest you’ll ever come to it again.  Somehow I imagine prison’s had more tricks than treats for him so far.