Hank Blalock may well be worth stashing on your bench.

15 Thoughts While Imbibing at a Bar in Montreal, Canada

1. Joba Chamberlain’s meth mom Jacqueline Standley and Mama Fratelli from The Goonies. Separated at birth? Discuss.

2. Dear McDonalds marketing execs---The jig is up. Step away from the corner office and explain why our Canadian neighbors to the north are privy to the succulent Double Big Mac while WE Americans are stuck with its singular twerp brother. Aren’t WE the land of excess? Aren’t WE the fast-food craving lunatics who signed petitions demanding you bring back the McRib? Haven’t WE earned exclusivity for witnessing billions upon billions of our family members collapse on a kitchen floor, lifeless from your artery-clogging concoctions? What more must WE do for you?!

3. If you’re lacking in the HR category, why not add Hammerin’ Hank Blalock? After all---it’s a contract year and the perfect time for him to stay healthy, revert back to yore (of 2004)---and then promptly continue to disappoint the “shart” out of you every year thereafter. Available in 39% of Yahoo leagues, I’d stash Hank on your bench.

4. Are Canadians more receptive to “blackout” drunkenness? Well, it looks that way, considering the 164-ounce pitchers of beer and 81-ounce Long Island Iced Tea’s served nightly here. Back in the U.S., I wouldn’t be able to count to three before grassroots organizations like MAGPB (Mothers Against Giant Pitchers of Booze) selfishly put the kabosh on such a recession-proof cocktail.

5. Is P Zack Duke on the precipice of becoming a consistent fantasy option? Well, if Pirates GM Neil Huntington has anything to say about it…. then….maybe? Huntington this week highlighted Duke’s team high .291 batting average (on) balls in play (BABIP) as a cautionary measure to those ready to coronate the Pirate’s current leader in wins, ERA and WHIP. BABIP measures the percentage of plate appearances ending in a batted ball in play in which the batter gets a hit. Like Huntington, I too worry about Duke. He seems to be at his best during the season’s first few months and quickly fizzles soon after. Look at 2008 when he went three months (from June 9 to September 5) without a win. Regardless, I’d still take a hard look at Duke as a spot starter (should you need one) through June and then attempt to deal him quickly while he still holds some value.

6. Carl Crawford owners (including me) no doubt are happy with the 1^st round production they’re getting out of the speedy Rays outfielder. In rotisserie leagues he’s on par to singlehandedly win you the SB category and in head-to-head formats his 6 SB day may just have helped you steal a win. Those concerned with Crawford’s lack of power should take a peek at 2006---his most power-crazy season so far in the majors---before calling him a one-trick pony.  After hitting only two HR’s through May 24, he finished with a respectable 18.   

7. 63% of Yahoo owners got no love for Orioles 3B Melvin Mora?!  East Coast got no love for his 23 HR and 104 RBI in 2008?! West Coast scared of his lack of production in 2009, even if he was on the 15-day DL?! Well, let it be known then!  

8. Is a cappella alive and well in Quebec County? Seems that way. While sipping on a tasty Alexander Keith IPA, the splendidly textured vocals of the band Rockapella’s “Where in the world is Carmen San Diego” began pumping through the bar’s sound system. Profoundly confused AND entertained, I scanned the crowd for similarly bewildered smiles and guffaws in an attempt to share in one of life’s unscripted, magical moments. But oddly enough there were no smiles. There were no laughs. The song seemed to be just as expected as the Chili Peppers’ “Under the Bridge.” Truly a strange moment.

9. When will American League hitters learn the book on Blue Jays P Scott Richmond? Honestly---I have no idea. He has no track record to speak of. Owned in only 40% of Yahoo leagues, it’s time to add the 6’5” Rookie as Toronto is scoring a TON of runs for him. That ….and his stuff looks pretty lethal.

10. A quick “shout out” to my boyz Jonathan Albaladejo and Mark Melancon for yet another anemic Yanks bullpen outing during Tuesday’s 7-3 loss to Boston.  Whazzup Al & Mel! Just as George Constanza’s pecker shifted 4cm while receiving his first professional massage, I’m pretty sure mine “moved” the same distance after being truly delighted by the sad and frustrated moans coming from the sparse, rain-soaked Bronx crowd.

11. The state of hockey in this great city of Montreal can only be classified as DEFCON-5 bitter. Surrounded by jubilant Americans cheering on their hometown hockey teams---Canadian imbibers, in a show of solidarity against their North American counterparts, could only resort to cheap “Yankees suck” chants in effort to deflect their sad anger for such a disappointing early-round Canadiens exit. And just to be clear---no---they weren’t referring to New York’s underachieving baseball team. 

12. Don’t look now but Stephen Drew owners are starting to p-p-panic. Drew’s Yahoo ownership (75%) dropped almost 5 percentage points this week as the Arizona SS heads into his second week on the DL with a bad hamstring. A Top-8 shortstop in 2008, pounce on Drew if for some idiotic reason he’s available on your waiver wire.

13. Back to hockey. Washington Capitals forward Donald Brashear is suspended six games for his “blind-side hit” on Rangers center Blaire Betts yet Mike Brown’s attack on Detroit’s Jiri Hudler gets nothing? You decide which is worse. It’s yet another example of how inconsistencies in officiating singlehandedly cause players to become unaware of what style of play definitively “crosses the line.”  What’s it going to be, Colin Campbell?

14. Will Padres P Chris Young ever win 15 games in a season? The 6’10” right-hander has kept owners hostage for years now with his decent K and WHIP potential, only to eclipse 12 wins once. Yes I know, “you can’t teach height” but I thought that only applied to basketball players. By far one of the more maddening fantasy players out there today, he’ll hurt you one week and carry you the next. Don’t get too upset with him and do something stupid. Moral of the story: be patient. Once again.

15. In order to thrive in Montreal’s service industry work force--- whether you’re a street-walking genitalia technician, a pony-tailed club manager or a burger-slinging pub waitress---you absolutely must be schooled in the art of “the hustle.” Without a doubt, if you ain’t working an angle in this city then you ain’t bringing home the Canadian bacon.

Yes, I’m talking to you Mr. Club Manager---who demanded $2 plus an extra coin as a token of “respect” for walking me five feet into a half-empty seating area. Or you---Mr. Waiter and Ms. Waitress---who battled each other for the serving rights to our prized group of thirteen beer-guzzling males, turning our simple request for seating into a tug-of-war battle over the contents of our wallets.

“Why would you want to be served by a fat guy?” the waitress whispered behind the back of her male co-worker. “Sit with me.”

Just seconds later, as she wandered over to set up a prospective table, Mr. Waiter snuck over and countered with what would ultimately become the knockout punch.

“The space in between her teeth means she’s a crack addict. Sit in my section.” 

Ding, Ding. Ladies and gentlemen---we have a winner.

I mean, why take a chance? True story.

Crack is whack.