In just a matter of weeks, fantasy owners of all shapes and sizes will begin storming their local nude beaches during the annual MLB All-Star break to relax, reevaluate and rejuvenate their minds in preparation for the season’s second half. They’ll neatly tuck their genitalia in between their legs, suck down a few dozen frozen rum drinks (with those little umbrellas) prance down to the water’s edge, defecate openly without fear of repercussion and begin trying to figure out what’s right, what’s wrong, what worked and what didn’t in regards to their respective fantasy franchises. Well, umm… at least that’s what I’ll be doing.

But more importantly, the upcoming four-day sojourn from submitting daily lineups gives us owners the opportunity to dig deeper into what’s already transpired throughout the season’s first 90 days. After all, it’s no lie that sometimes we’re so preoccupied with our own team that we ignore what else is going on in the world of fantasy baseball. 

Lucky for you, results of the recently held 2009 First-Half Fantasy Baseball Awards, held in NYC, have just been released. Let them be a catalyst to further enhance your fantasy minds, all while you get bombed on booze in the hot sun just before heat stroke sets in.

HIGHLIGHTS FROM MONDAY’S ‘2009 FIRST-HALF FANTASY BASEBALL AWARDS DINNER’

The "I'm Such a Bleepin’ Idiot For Dropping You" Award: OF Justin Upton.

It must be awfully painful for owners who dropped Upton during his 7 for 38, 0 HR, 1 RBI April start to see how prolific he’s become in just 60 days. Back in mid-April, right around the time it was announced that Eric Byres (yes that Eric Byrnes of .215. AVG fame) would spell the talented yet underachieving twenty-two year old in right field, Upton owners dropped him by the thousands---to the extent that he approached just 49% ownership in Yahoo leagues. Well, that was then. NOW he’s the 17^th-best offensive player in yahoo leagues and is looking like the five-tool stud everyone drafted him to be. So if you dropped Upton, you’re exactly the type of owner the award salutes----a bleepin’ idiot!

The "Is This is What Happens When You Gradually Wean Yourself Off Steroids?” Award: OF Magglio Ordonez

And you thought David Ortiz’ future was bleak! At least Ortiz is showing signs of life. Ordonez still has only 2 HR in 2009---the last which came on April 27---and like Ortiz, it comes just two years removed from a spectacular.363 AVG, 139 RBI season. So what’s the deal? Is he---like so many other Latin players---3 to 5 years older than he claims? Is he simply over the hill? Whatever it is, Ordonez’s power has completely disappeared and one can’t help but wonder (especially in today’s baseball age) if his nosedive is the direct result of the game’s stricter testing policies.

The "Could We Finally Have Found a Reliable, Non-Injured Closer?" Award: Tampa Bay Rays

It’s been almost five years since Danys Baez walked through that door and gave the then Devil Rays a walking, talking legitimate closer. Since then we’ve seen the Dan Micili’s, Seth McClung’s,  Brian Meadows’, Shawn Camp’s, Tyler Walker’s,  Al Reyes’, Jason Hammel’s, Grant Balfour’s, Dan Wheeler’s and Troy Percival’s of  the world step in and do a below average job. But have they finally found their man in 2009? Enter J.P. Howell. Howell picked up his fourth save of the season on Saturday night and has had 14 straight appearances without giving up an earned run. The way Tampa has been using him throughout the last week it looks like the “closer by committee” situation in Tampa could be over. Not since Percival have they been so confident to give their closer such an exclusive opportunity.  

The "It’s Soooo Obvious I’m in a Contract-Year" Award: P Kevin Millwood

Back in 2004, I was 99% certain Millwood had permanently become “fantasy irrelevant.”  He’d just followed up a 4.01 ERA in 2003 with a 4.85 ERA in 2004 and his WHIP/BAA was steadily rising--- so at the time it wasn’t much of a stretch to say his best days were behind him. But then an odd thing happened. In 2005 he suddenly became “good” again. I mean “lights out good,” as in a 2.86 ERA and a 1.22 WHIP. Weird, huh? Absolutely, but it didn’t last long. The following years, from 2006-2008, Millwood pitched as bad as ever, so once again, I revisited the notion that he was most definitely “done”. But wouldn’t you know, the unexplained happened yet again in 2009. Millwood has allowed only three earned runs over the last 27 innings. His 2.62 ERA is sixth-best in the AL. How does this happen, you ask? Well, to be brief, Millwood’s in a CONTRACT YEAR. Otherwise, he’s chopped liver. Simple as that.

The "I’m Going to Strikeout More Times Than My Average" Award: 3B Mark Reynolds

Although he still has “patience issues” at the plate, Reynolds has managed to steadily improve since his 2008 breakout season. He’s raised his average almost 30 points and has shown an increased interest in stealing bases (13 in 2009 compared to 11 in 2008). Unfortunately he struck out a major-league record 204 times in 2008 and is currently on pace for 229 in 2009. Only our next award winner has a shot at competing for the record.   

The "Mothers, Don’t Let Your Sons Grow Up to Be Kevin Maas" Award: 1B Chris Davis

Back in 1990, a twenty-five year old, free-swinging lefty prospect found himself on a big-league roster in June. In limited at-bats, he crushed 21 HR in 254 AB for the Yankees and at the time appeared to be the heir apparent to Don Mattingly. By 1992 however, we was back in the minor leagues. Now flash forward eighteen years to 2008 when another free-swinging, twenty-three year old lefty prospect landed on big league roster in June to hit 17 HR in 290 AB. Is this a sign of what’s to come for Chris Davis? Maybe. Just like Maas, Davis strike’s out with the best of them and has over 100 this year already and a .196 AVG isn’t helping his cause to stay in the big-leagues. 

The "I'm Going to Outlive and Outpitch Your Kids" Award: RP Trevor Hoffman

Hoffman finally blew his first save of 2009 on June 17 after going 16-16 in save opportunities to start the season. Fortunately that blown save inflated the closer’s ERA from a miniscule 0.45 to a whopping 1.41 and the BB he allowed raised his season total to he’s three batters in 20 total innings. Not bad for a 42 year old, wouldn’t you say?!

The "I'm a Celebrity Get Me Outta Here" Award: P Danny Haren

Back in April I said Haren (6-4) just might win the 2009 Cy Young with a losing record---and unbelievably there’s a possibility it might still happen. Haren, who’s been 1999 Pedro Martinez-like so far in 2009 (albeit without the 300 potential) leads the league in WHIP (.082) BAA (.193) BB (just 13) and is 2^nd in ERA (2.52) and 4^th in K’s (96). All he needs now is to play for is a decent team rather than the inconsistent offense Arizona provides him with and he’d be a fantasy juggernaut. In the eight losses/no decisions Haren has accumulated so far in 2009, he’s given up three runs of fewer in seven of those. Even uglier is the fact that in four of those losses/no decisions, he gave up just one run in each.