Peyton Manning, Colts

On yer feet! Just when you rubes thought it was safe to wander around this site, I'm back.

First of all, I'd like to kick things off by saying "Hi" to all my female fans. I know that most of you thought you had succeeded in getting me fired. Sorry to disappoint you cackling hyenas, but like I've said before, the guy who owns this site, John Georgopoulos, is exactly like those those pathetic, spineless examples of masculinity that you're married to: he's afraid of his own shadow and my 19" biceps scare him more than your nasty e-mails. So I'm here for as long as I want to be-- learn to love it. In the meantime, please give those husbands of yours a holiday gift by doing the following:

• Don't give them a hard time about reading my column. They don't have many examples of real men in this country-- me and R. Lee Ermey are the only two that readily come to mind-- so stop cackling when your "men" read my columns and get a chuckle. They deserve it. After all, look at what they're married to.
• Have some pride in your appearance. I don't know what's worse: fat chicks who don't care that they're fat, or fat chicks who think being fat is OK because Oprah told them it was OK to be fat. Look, no man wants his chick to be fat. So stop going to the all-you-can-eat fried pork rind buffets, eat a salad or two, get on the treadmill and be ashamed of your bodies until you're as thin as Natalie Portman.
• Have sex more often. Men think about sex every seven seconds. It's a medical fact. But the amount of time your husbands think about having sex with you is something like once every 82 days. So stop acting like sex with you is something special that needs to be doled out with a dropper. Men need to bust a nut on a regular basis and you beasts are handy. So strap on a helmet, put down the bucket of Extra Crispy KFC, and let your men bounce your heads off the headboard for a few minutes. The exercise will do the both of you some good.
  

Now I know what the women out there are thinking: "My man doesn't think that way, Mr. X! He respects me for what I am". Newsflash: unless you're Jessica Biel or Meagan Fox, your man doesn't respect you for what you are. He may not have the courage to tell you, but that's why I'm here. To talk about fantasy sports and liberate men from the oppressive reign of fat chicks.

Now that we've straightened that out, let's take a look at some of the big themes of 2009:


The Rise of Rookie Receivers
Every season, most of you farmers just assume that the rookies to chase are running backs. Knowshon Moreno, Beanie Wells and LeSean McCoy were the rookies you probably invested in during your drafts. But we all know what happens when high school drop outs invest their money; they lose it all, get really mad at everyone but themselves and then end up electing skinny black men with big ears. Had you accepted that you don't know what you're doing (with money, women and fantasy football), you would have listened to me and stuck to taking rookie receivers. Austin Collie, Percy Harvin, Jeremy Maclin, Kenny Britt and even Michael Crabtree were far more valuable to most fantasy owners. Heck, the only rookie receiver who was a complete clunker was Darius Heyward-Bey-- and nobody took him seriously to begin with.


Forget About Drafting Running Backs
Hold on tight, because you're about to witness something rare: I'm about to give my pea-brained editor some credit. You see, every June he puts together something called the Best Damn Draft Method and while he uses a bunch of complicated math and big words that most of you blockheads couldn't hope to understand, he did say one thing very clearly: forget about drafting a ton of RBs early in your draft. Know what? He was spot on with that call. The NFL has been changing for years, and this season there weren't more than 3-4 runners that could be considered true studs. If you followed his advice, you avoided RBs in the second half of the first round and instead took guys like Andre Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald and Wes Welker. Much like exercise and a healthy diet, this news will be hard for you to accept but if you want to win in 2010, make sure you keep up to date with the latest draft theories.


Up is Down, Down is Up
You guys know what I'm all about: working out, honest commentary, football and stupid bimbos with big cans. I tell it like it is and then I set out to humiliate and degrade hot-looking women.

It really pisses me off when teams decide to just mail it in late in the season. The Colts seem to do this every season, teams locked into their playoff seeds do it. It stinks. I mean, there's a good chance that the Jets will sneak into the playoffs thanks to the Colts benching their starters in Week 16 and the Bengals sitting their starters in Week 17. What kind of crap is that?

But this goes beyond playing hard from start to finish; it's about $@%#! with your fantasy team. How would you like to be the poor bastard that took Peyton Manning early, rode him to the fantasy post-season... only to have Manning benched for the Championship round? It may sound crazy, but it almost makes you consider taking a lesser QB on a mid-level team (like Matt Schaub) later in the draft rather than Manning or Drew Brees earlier. Either that or you need to make sure that your QB2 is someone you'd feel confident betting your trophy on... because odds are good that you'll end up doing just that in Week 16. It doesn't help if you go 13-1 only to lose in the Championship game. At least, it doesn't make me feel any better; I can't speak for hayseeds like you. Maybe one of you could string a few words together and let me know how this situation makes you feel.