What a waste of God-given talent...

Errick Lynne Williams Jr – Born under that name in 1977, Williams was about as talented an athlete as humanly possible. A four-sport athlete in high school, he was originally drafted by the Phillies in 1995 and played four years of Class-A ball. In his spare time Williams kept himself busy, breaking NCAA records in football and collecting a bit of hardware along the way (winner of the ’98 Heisman and the Doak Walker Award twice). The Saints traded all of their 1999 draft picks and then some to get Ricky, leaving the youngster with eight million dollars in hand and looking at a potential 68 more. Que Joe Walsh right? Not so fast. Four suspensions and a giant chunk of change in fines later and Ricky is left holding a tattered career and a new degree in holistic medicine (studied in aptly named Grass Valley, California). Williams will be eligible to play this Sunday and it will be interesting to see if he will live up to the bold statement he made earlier in the year:  “When the time is right, God willing, I will be back on the field scoring touchdowns for whatever team is fortunate enough to believe in me.” Well it seems the Dolphins are that team Ricky and we’ll see what kind of numbers you put up. Try and dominate the grass as well as smoke it.

Len Bias – Keeping the burnouts in the drug family, we turn to one of the saddest stories in sports. Bias was a 6’8” prodigy out of Maryland, said to be the most complete forward ever to come out of college by many basketball experts. Unfortunately, Bias spent less than 48 hours in the league, overdosing on cocaine shortly after being selected by the Celtics in the 1986 NBA draft. The circumstances involving his death led to grand jury indictments of three of Bias’ friends and the resignation of the school’s athletic director and the team’s head coach. The phenom’s fateful two days qualifies him as the quickest burnout in sports history.

Oliver McCall – McCall’s story is sad on a less serious level. The oft-quoted words of Jimmy Dugan (Tom Hanks) come to mind: “There’s no crying in baseball!” Not to knock on baseball, but the sport does not require the same baditude as say, beating a man until he is no longer able to stand on his feet or remember his mother’s name. Boxing bred killing machines, and Oliver McCall ranked high on the unwritten list of American badasses. Nicknamed the Atomic Bull, McCall spent a good deal of his career as top-dog, beating Lennox Lewis to win his first heavyweight title in 1994. This fight would not be the one to remember however, as Lewis and McCall would meet for a second time in ’97. Referee Mills Lane recalls, “In the third round, he got in close, and then seemed frustrated, and then he just backed off and put his arms down...  then I saw his lips started to quiver and I thought, 'My God, is he crying?' Yes, 241 pounds of terrifying muscle, crying in the corner like he wants everyone to leave Britney alone. His repeated attempts at making a comeback have been marred by stints in prison and rehab centers, though he is currently guaranteed another shot at the WBC heavyweight crown. His performance hardly matters, as he has already spoiled his career, becoming the first man to ever make the sport of boxing look girly.

Tonya Harding – The 5’1” skater started off her professional career with nothing but potential. She placed in the top of the competition at several world skating competitions and set skating records involving triple axels, double toe loops and a whole slew of skating terms that I do not understand. Even less understandable than lutzes, loops and lifts is how such a promising athlete can sink so far, so fast. The majority of her infamy stems from her involvement in the 1994 attack on fellow-skater Nancy Kerrigan, but it doesn’t end there. In fact, the year before, a bomb threat was telephoned in on Harding which was later revealed to have in someway involved Tonya herself. Harding set the bar for today’s female tabloid stars when her pornographic “Wedding Video” was leaked to the tabloids. Accompanying this was a laundry list of police reports involving DUIs, fake abductions, domestic violence (throwing a hubcap at an ex-boyfriend), a police chase and hallucinating 911 calls where she reported animals and armed assailants which no one else could see.  

Ryan Leaf – You knew this one was coming. Leaf has become the poster-child for failure. MSNBC commentator Michael Ventre labeled Leaf as "the biggest bust in the history of professional sports.” I tried to steer clear of college busts as much as possible, as it seems there are a handful added to that list every year, but Leaf was too enticing to pass up. Entering the 1998 draft Leaf was considered Peyton Manning’s equal, and with a $31 million contract in hand he declared, “I'm looking forward to a 15 year career, a couple of trips to the Super Bowl, and a parade through downtown San Diego.” The speech parents give to kids about being able to achieve “anything you put your mind to” apparently didn’t apply to Ryan. Leaf failed about as hard as a talented quarterback can in the NFL. In Week 3 of his rookie year, he fumbled the ball three times for every completed pass, going one for fifteen for a high-octane total of four yards. San Diego soon cancelled its ticker-tape parade and the Chargers benched Leaf after throwing two touchdown passes and thirteen interceptions in nine games. Teammate Rodney Harrison described the year as “a nightmare you can’t even imagine.” The league’s official football filed for a restraining order against the young play-caller and football v. Leaf was settled out of court with an unreported settlement. Now the former phenom is employed as the quarterbacks coach at West Texas A&M, where he teaches kids how to forget everything they ever learned about football upon entering the NFL.

Spinoff Leagues – What football fan wasn’t excited about the XFL? “It’s gonna be football with no rules! People are going to absolutely kill each other on the field. I’ll be able to watch big hit highlights all day!” Not so fast. The much-hyped “no fair-catch rule” was paired with a 5-yard halo rule and besides that, there were no PATs and forward motion was allowed pre-snap. What was supposed to be the coolest, baddest league this world turned into the NFL’s B-league where childish athletes could write childish names on the back of their jerseys. Also included on this list are SlamBall and the WPFL (in case you’re wondering, the Las Vegas Showgirlz are off to a dizappointing 2-6 start this season).

United States Men’s Basketball Team – This team once featured the greatest basketball lineup ever assembled (Karl Malone, David Robinson, Scottie Pippen and John Stockton sat on the bench). This ’92 team blew out teams in a way that puts the New England Patriots to shame, winning by an average margin of 43.8 and never using a timeout. The team retired. No worries though, we have plenty of talented players that are more than willing to step up and carry our country to victory. Brad Miller? This 7-foot waste of space was the highlight of our 1998 team. A 2004 team that showcased Allen Iverson, Kobe Bryant, Dwayne Wade, Carmelo Anthony and Tim Duncan lost to Puerto Rico, Lithuania and Argentina. What has happened to the pride in our nation’s athletic teams? Does the Miracle on Ice need to be replayed over and over in NBA locker rooms until these guys get it? The best of our country is supposed to be represented, in a sport that is basically ours, and instead we have rosters overflowing with pampered and moody stars whose sole allegiance is to themselves and their bank accounts.

Michael Vick – Outside of the moral issues, and the complete burnout in the football and public perspectives, Vick’s legal woes have cost him unprecedented amounts of money. Vick went from being one of the most marketable figures in sports (deals with Nike, Coca-Cola, EA-Sports, Powerade, etc.) to being one of the most hated celebrities today. The financial loss stemming from his dropped endorsements are unfathomable and the total amounts may never be known. Three different banks have filed lawsuits in the millions against Vick, the Falcons were able to win around $20 million back from him and is facing one to five years in prison. It’s hard enough for me to imagine someone participating in such a nasty operation, but to do so with all this at risk is incomprehensible.

Mike Tyson – Mike Tyson has many nicknames, but The Baddest Man on the Planet seems to fit the best. Iron Mike had one of the most amazing beginnings to a boxing career that anyone has ever seen. He knocked out his first 19 professional opponents within six rounds, putting 12 of them down in the first. If you haven’t seen the tapes of these fights, imagine a bear fighting your grandmother, it was that brutal. In 1990, Tyson was shockingly defeated by Buster Douglas in what was one of the greatest sports upsets of all time. Iron Mike showed resiliency however, seeming to be back on the path to greatness and the heavyweight crown until his July 1991 arrest for the rape of a beauty pageant contestant. This would mark the beginning of the end for Tyson, with the infamous Holyfield-Tyson II fight soon to follow, where Tyson took a page out of Tarantino’s playbook and removed a chunk of Holyfield’s ear. This incredibly controversial fight would pave the way for other instances of Tyson’s uncontrollable raage, both in the ring and out. In 2003, Tyson filed for bankruptcy having squandered an estimated $300 million in ring earnings. I have never seen a man absolutely tear through his opponents like Mike did in the early stages of his career when it seemed that no one could stop him. Unfortunately he found that one person, and it was himself.

Monday Night Football – Monday Night Football has been, outside of the Turkey Bowl games, my favorite NFL tradition. Unfortunately for me, and the for the rapidly declining  number of Americans who watch it, the once legendary commentary has been replaced by a string of morons as the ratings plunge. My generation has been forced to suffer through Boomer Esiason, Dennis Miller, John Madden and most recently Tony Kornheiser. The loss of Al Michaels and the recent trend of boring Monday night games has solidified MNF as completely worthless in the eyes of most, and has forced households such as mine to drown out the dreadful commentary with any other available audio sources. If I want to watch PTI for three hours, I’ll get Tivo.