Which bucket does this fan fall into?

I have been to a lot of sporting events in my life, covering almost every major American sport in the process. In doing so, I have learned that no matter what city you are in or what sport you are watching, the same types of fans are at every single game. Here are my favorite (or in most cases least-favorite) ten.

The Business-Man:  This might be the fan-type that is most on the rise right now. Don’t believe me? Go to the Super Bowl. You just might find jerseys severely outnumbered by suits, Bluetooth headsets instead of ball caps and the almighty foam-finger being replaced with a Blackberry. Some numbers estimate that 80% of  America’s Big Game attendees are businessmen over fans. Sporting events have become the ultimate arenas for deal-closing. A sales representative can treat a local customer to a $70 ticket and a few beers and in an instant they have a captive audience who is extremely appreciative of the chance to see his favorite team in action. It’s brilliant in a business-sense, but sometimes frustrating in the eyes of spectators, who might want to hear something other than hours of sales pitches from the hotshot in front of them.

The Fighter: Probably the most annoying of fans, these overserved idiots pose a threat to everyone around them. Most likely right out of the college fraternity system, these fans tend to have an unnatural buildup of testosterone and the alcoholic tolerance of a 12-year old.  Three beers and a minute and a half into the game, Rocky Jr. looks to pick a fight with anyone he can. They tend to assault any who dare root against the beloved team that they will honor by spending 90% of the game in the drunk-tank downstairs. Doesn’t matter if you’re Randy Newman or Randy Couture, four and a half beers convinces this man he can take you, regardless of his inability to speak coherently or stand.

The Proposer: This fan cares less about the game than the Business-Man does. The man is most likely not a huge sports fan, for if he was he would understand the extreme repetitiveness of the act. Instead this poor sap thinks he’s the most clever and romantic guy in the stadium. Sure he could’ve spent $500 on a romantic night on the town, but who the hell wants to do that? Five seconds of supersized electronic messages and the pressure of thousands of people watching means just the same right?

The Girlfriend: Donning pink jerseys and enough makeup to make the Blue Man Group jealous, these ladies see the event as a chance to look good in front of thousands of people instead of a chance to look at amazing athletic feats. I am in no way putting all women at sporting events in this category, in fact this fan-type is a small minority of the gender. These are the girls whose comments on the game are limited to the attractive players and their confusion over the rules, or who seem to be confused between the fashion runway and nose-bleed seats.

The Over-Protective Parent: I am all for free speech and even more in favor of people being responsible with it. Nothing frustrates me more than incompetent teenagers who can’t control their mouth in public. That being said, parents need to start acting more responsibly and not take their young ones to places that serve insane amounts of alcohol to overzealous fans in a drama-filled atmosphere. What’s next, bringing the wife and kids to a strip-club and complaining about the view? 

The Permanent Standee: The wave died hours ago, the game’s intensity has died down considerably, but no force on Earth can possibly force this fan into the seat he has paid for. Forcing a chain reaction of standing in subsequent rows, this fan insists on fulfilling his right to stand instead of sit. These were the people whose favorite childhood defense was: “It’s a free country.” If the Constitution gives him the right to be an ass then damn it, he's going to be an ass.

Mr. Fifteen Minutes: After watching hundreds of hours of VH1 and MTV, these fans see being on television as synonymous with fame. If this means sucking up to the networks with ridiculously lame acronyms, so be it. Talking on the cell phone while waving like a moron behind home plate? You bet. These poor people are usually not ready to handle their new-found fame, falling to drug abuse and gigs on the Surreal Life.

Moronic Fans: Nothing is worse for the intelligent supporter than to be embarrassed by the blubbering idiot three rows back. They may wear the same colors, but you do not associate with them. For every clever bit of smack-talk that you produce, they drown it out with something stupid. They scream for their coach to throw the challenge flag on penalties, fail to grasp the concept of traveling, why the $%#@ did they stop the clock? It’s called a two-minute warning, unfortunately the freedom of speech does not come with an IQ test.

The Know-it-all: For every idiot fan there’s one that knows just a tad too much. Warren Sapp’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Unnecessary. There is a fine line between being devoted and intelligent to being psychotic. Unless you are the Schwab, roll-calling a 53 man NFL roster by name, number, height and marital status becomes a bit much. These fans tend to ruin friendships over sports debates and mock those who are unsure of their favorite player’s alma  mater.

The Fat Guy: This is not in reference to overweight fans who attend sporting events. No, no, I’m talking about the fat guy. This is the man whose shirt comes off at two beers, with the pants following at four. His body hair puts Robin Williams to shame and his pants never seem to properly house his entire bottom half, giving the fortunate fans behind him hours of visual entertainment. The seasons don’t seem to matter, you can catch this icon of American society in January or June, half-clothed and proud of it.