Jody misses one week, and Clemens signs. Maybe if Jody misses another week, Nolan Ryan can come out of retirement too.

What’s that, you say? Roger Clemens signed with the Yankees? Curt Schilling was involved in a controversy? And George Mitchell asked to see the dental records of a dozen players who once brushed their teeth in the visiting clubhouse at Shea Stadium?

Sounds like everything was just fine and dandy.

What happened on Sunday? Let’s just say it wasn’t a good day for the orange-and-black. I’ll examine this nightmare – along with everything else that’s baffling me these days – as I take a close look at this week’s list of…

Ten Things I Just Don’t Know

1. I don’t know if, in all my years as an Orioles fan, I’ve ever felt as badly after a game as I did this past Sunday. Make no mistake about it: there have been some low moments as an O’s fan over the past 20 years. There was the 0-21 start to the 1988 season… the ridiculous firing of Cal Ripken, Sr. just six games into that season… the disappointing playoff exit in 1997… the frustration of seeing Jack Cust fall down – twice! – between third and home millions of times on SportsCenter… and the Rafael Palmeiro steroid mess at the end of the 2005 season. But seeing a five run lead disappear in the ninth inning Sunday at Fenway Park was like a baseball bat to the ribs. Jeremy Guthrie pitched his guts out and was close to a shutout victory. But a dropped popup… a bullpen implosion… and a failed force play at first and before you knew it, the Red Sox had won 6-to-5. I’m getting angry again just typing these words.

2. I don’t know how many people remember that it was Cust who fell down twice while racing home from third with what would have been the winning run in the 12th inning for the Orioles back in 2003. But yes – that was the very same Jack Cust who has hit six home runs in just eight games since being recalled by the A’s on May 4. Cust is the early leader for “waiver wire pickup of the year” in most AL-only leagues.

3. I don’t know if it was such a bad thing that I wasn’t around last week to write about the Roger Clemens story. Listen, on the one hand, I have tremendous respect for the WWE-style announcement made by Clemens and the Yankees (all that was missing was a screaming Jim Ross.) But on the other hand, this is Roger Clemens…and it’s the New York Yankees. I don’t even need all the other pieces of the story – the special treatment, the salary, etc. – to hate this signing.

4. I don’t know if I want to spend too much time on the Clemens signing, but there are essentially three ways this deal can play out – and if you’re a Yankee-hater, two of the three are positive. First, of course, Clemens could ride in on his white horse and lead the Yankees to a World Series title. That’s entirely possible, although a lot of things need to come together that aren’t directly under Clemens’ control. The second scenario would be one where Clemens pitches great baseball for the next four months, but it’s still not enough to get the Yankees deep into the post-season. Again…this is entirely possible. And finally, it’s also possible for this entire experiment to blow up. Clemens could finally begin showing his age…or the “special treatment” could lead to dissension in the clubhouse. Personally, I’m not a Yankee fan, so I’d rather not see the Clemens deal lead to another Yankee championship. But as a baseball fan, I hate the idea of a player essentially holding out until after the season has started to choose the perfect scenario. Call me a traditionalist, but I think the concept of building a Team from the first day of spring training is still important.

5. I don’t want to turn this column into anything more than a baseball piece, so I’ll throw this idea out there and leave it at that: How quick would Major League teams be to give the special “Clemens treatment” to an African-American or Latino player?

6. I don’t know if this was the season to go after the big-name American League closers in your American League fantasy drafts. After all, Mariano Rivera has just three saves so far this year…B.J. Ryan is out for the season…and Huston Street just landed on the disabled list earlier this week. I’ve always wanted to go with a “grab saves during the season” strategy – and this looks like the year I should have tried it.

7. I don’t know if my eyes were deceiving me or not, but I could have sworn spring training was over. Yet right on my television screen, I saw a game between the Rangers and Devil Rays that was played in a spring training park – Disney’s complex in Orlando. Sure, it looked a bit strange at first but the truth is…I’m all for anything that helps the Devil Rays expand their fan base. One question, though: did the team pay for its famous heckler to join them for the three-game series against the Rangers?

What's wrong with Miggy? Try a power outage.

8. I don’t know what’s going on with Miguel Tejada, but I don’t think it’s good. Tejada’s power numbers have dropped steadily the past few years (34 home runs in 2004…26 in 2005…and 24 in 2006; his doubles total also dropped sharply in ’06 from 50 down to 37.) But this year, Tejada seems to have turned into a singles hitter. He’s hitting a robust .321 through 39 games, but 42 of his 50 hits have been singles. And Tejada is also tied for second in the American League in ground outs with 52. Not a good development for fantasy owners with a long-term investment in Tejada.

9. I don’t know when Barry Bonds will break Hank Aaron’s all-time home run record, but now that Bonds is within ten of the mark, it’s time to start eyeing the Giants’ schedule. As someone holding tickets for a Giants-Phillies game in Philadelphia on June 4, I’m intrigued by the possibility of seeing history – but I don’t think it’s likely. Ten home runs between now and then is a tall order, even for Bonds. So how about June 18-20 in Milwaukee for some irony? Or a weekend series in San Francisco against Roger Clemens and the Yankees June 22-24? Looking into July, the Giants visit St. Louis – where some other home run record fell, didn’t it? – July 6-8. And if Bonds carries the drama past the All-Star Game, he could break the mark against Aaron’s old team, the Atlanta Braves, at Pac Bell Park July 23-26.

10. I don’t know if you noticed last week, but Mark Haverty was kind enough to fill in for me while I was busy moving to a new home. Mark did a tremendous job ripping off my rip-off of Sports Illustrated’s Peter King, and I’m very much appreciative. I won’t touch any of the controversial subjects Mark explored in this space – such as racism, Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, and Curt Schilling – but I will point out one thing just to give Mark a hard time. Last week, Mark wrote these words: “Maybe if Bedard concentrated more on the team getting outs and less on him getting outs, that ERA would start to come down a little, he could hang around in games longer, and the team would be better off.” So just what has Bedard done since then? He’s made two starts – pitching seven innings each time – and allowed a total of just nine hits and three runs in those 14 innings. (That’s a 1.93 ERA, by the way.) Oh, sure, he’s struck out 17 batters in those 14 innings, so maybe Bedard is a bit fond of the punch-out. But still…

Have a question or comment for Jody? Send it over to jodymadron@sportsgrumblings.com.