Mr. X hails from Parts Unknown, where the men are still men and the women are damn happy about it. Blessed with bulging biceps and a rapier-like wit, he can beat you sensless with brain or brawn; pick your poison. Above all else, Mr. X is a keen fantasy sports analyst and even keener narrator of the human condition.
Unfortunately for Mr. X, this was NOT one of the sights that greeted him during his recent visit to the beach.
It's that time of year, when incredible examples of manhood such as myself begin to head to the beach, in search of fresh air, bright sun, warm waters and plenty of bikini-clad brainless bimbos. Now before you all start shaking your heads and think I'm exaggerating, just remember that I didn't spend all winter eating potato chips and drinking beer like you losers. I lifted weights, ate right and banged my stupid girlfriend four times a week. So you know my cardio is where it should be and my biceps are pumped.
Anyway, I'm on the beach, catching some rays when I spot this broad walking in front of me. She was wearing a skimpy black bikini, with the word "YUMMY" written across her ass. Sounds good, right? Got all you womanless computer geeks paying attention? Well, don't. This chick was so fat, the only thing you could really make out on her butt (unless you looked closely) were the two "Y"s. I swear, the entire "UMM" part of her bikini had been swallowed up by her enormous butt. I'm not all that smart, and I don't know much about physics, but I'll just assume that's what Einstein and Stephen Hawking were referring to when they talked about black holes. I'm not sure, but I think a small child and some mollusks were sucked into that woman's ass by its gravitational pull.
What does this have to do with fantasy football? Since I'm not like Greg Kellogg droning on about politics, I'll tell you, and it won't involve 20 pages of allegedly witty stories...
This is the time of year when fantasy football writers are really bored. There's not too much free agent movement going on, camps don't open for a couple of weeks, and their stupid wives are complaining that it's too hot outside for sex. So these geeks will write articles that make every stinking loser player sound hot. But like that bovine-looking chick on the beach, things aren't always the way others describe them. Lucky for you that I'm here to keep you from commiting fantasy suicide.
Randy Moss, WR Patriots This is probably the fattest of all chicks being described like the second coming of Jessica Alba. "With Belicheck, Moss won't be dogging it anymore... This guy will haul in 20 TDs with Tom Brady as his QB... I'm telling you dude, this was a steal for the Pats..." Really? I guess these morons haven't been watching the NFL for the past three years. Moss stopped being important four years ago. While he might still produce, he'll be overrated come draft day. So do yourself a favor and talk this guy up to those morons in your league, then draft somebody else.
Joe Horn, WR Falcons OK, so Horn isn't the equivalent of a fat chick. But do yourself a favor-- every time some idiot at FootballGuys.com or one of those other dumps starts saying how Horn is the key to Mike Vick's maturity this year-- stop and look at a calendar. It's 2007, not 1997. Horn is too old and too unreliable (missed nine games the past two years) to transform Vick into a top NFL QB. Yep, Horn isn't the fat chick from that movie Shallow Hal... he's more like Julia Roberts: might know a trick or two to get over, but just too damn old too even remotely consider hooking up with.
Steven Jackson, RB Rams OK, I'll admit, this isn't necessarily my idea. But I was talking to the only other guy here at Sports Grumblings that I respect even a wee bit-- Tony Finn-- and he gave me this SJ tip. See, Tony is almost as smart as I am when it comes to fantasy football, and he has this vast network of contacts that give him inside scoops on players and teams. Well, Mr. Finn seems to think that the Rams really like rookie RB Brian Leonard-- enough for him to get 10-12 touches a game-- cutting into Jackson's numbers, especially in the passing game. If this is true, that means that Steven Jackson will not justify his lofty draft status (he's been going as high as #2 overall), epecially in PPR leagues.Think of him being a little like Paris Hilton: looks good from a distance, but the more you find out about the situation, the more you want to go get some sort of penicillin shot, just in case there's a problem.
There you go, some of my early-summer wisdom, for both fantasy football and chicks. I know it's probably wasted on the likes of you, but for some reason I feel compelled to share my knowledge with you anyway. If by some miracle any of you geeks actually end up scoring with a hot chick at the beach who weighs less than 2 bills, send me a picture of her. Maybe I can convince my stupid editor to set up some sort of gallery.
