For some reason, Mr. X isn't buying what "experts" are selling regarding Matt Schaub.
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Man, what is going on in this world? I can't
friggin' believe the things that I'm seeing on the tube these days. First, the
obvious one: Michael Vick. Vick is
a tremendous athlete, and if I needed someone to run one play to win the game,
he might be the guy I'd pick. But it's not like this guy is citizen #1. As far
as I can tell (and I'm almost always right) he's basically a hick from the
sticks. So it doesn't surprise me that he allegedly ran a dog-fighting ring. I
say "allegedly", because if I don't, my editor-in-a-skirt won't print
this article.
Anyway, Vick is accused of running a dog-fighting ring. Which for some unknown
reason, is a federal crime. I turned on CNN and saw a mob of those PETA dorks
protesting the courthouse, and the trial
hasn't started yet. Geez, what the f*ck is this world coming to? Look, let's
get this straight: dogs are animals.
Animals are put on this planet for two purposes: to provide us with a source of
protein and to provide us with labor/amusement. That's it. They don't have
rights. They don't have feelings. They don't have souls. Want to know the
perfect animal? A cow. It provides milk and when the time is right, burgers.
Perfect! Now the feds and PETA want to deprive me of a prime NFL player because
he may have funded/operated a dog-fighting operation? Go screw! I couldn't care
less how those dogs ended up. They're dogs.
Friggin' O.J. never got this kind of pre-trial outrage. And he killed humans
(allegedly).
The Falcons should just digitize a photo of Arthur Blank's middle finger, make
a giant banner out of it, and hang it on the side of the Georgia Dome and
invite PETA for hot dogs in the parking lot. I know this: if Vick gets
released, most NFL teams would step over each other to sign him.
Here are some more things I can't believe...
Julius Jones, RB Dallas
I've been looking at some of the drafts around the 'Net, and Jones seems to be
lasting into the 4th round and beyond. Look, Jones may not be a superstar, but
don't be like the rest of the idiots who have Marion
Barber ranked ahead of him. Barber's production was a direct result
of Bill Parcells' borderline homo-erotic infatuation with him-- Wade Phillips
does not harbor such feelings. Jones will get the majority of the carries, and
for a 4th-6th round selection, you'll be getting a hell of a bargain.
Matt Schaub, QB Houston
Man, I bet the Falcons are kicking themselves now that PETA has
assumed their GM post. With the likelihood that Vick will be suspended or
released, the Birds are stuck with Joey
Harrington. Between that and Warrick
Dunn's back surgery, Alge
Crumpler's value has been dropping like a stone while Jerious Norwood's has been climbing.
Speaking of Schaub, why the hell is he being drafted so high? Have we truly
become a nation of morons? Last time I checked, the Texans' offensive line
still sucks, Ahman Green is 30 and
hasn't played a full season in three years, and the only talent on offense is Andre Johnson. Sounds like another
recipe for disappointment. Stay away from Schaub.
Clinton Portis, RB Washington
All that PETA chanting coming through my TV must be messing with my brain,
because I can't seem to remember when Portis became a scrub. I actually got an
e-mail from one of you mentally challenged readers asking me if Ladell Betts should be taken ahead of
Portis. Let me be clear about this: the moron wasn't asking if Betts should be
handcuffed to Portis; he was asking if Betts should be taken instead of Portis. To that person, here's
your answer, in four parts:
- go
to the highest building in whatever hick town you live in;
- climb
to the top floor and find a window;
- open
the window as much as you can, slap some grease on the window frame,
squeeze your fat ass through the window;
- plunge
to your doom.
Again, I am being forced by my humorless editor to
print the following: "the preceding paragraph is a form of sarcasm and
should not be taken seriously." I guess I need to write that in case PETA
considers dumb hicks to be an endangered species. Look, Joe Gibbs didn't get to the Hall of Fame by being an idiot. Portis is clearly the better back, the better receiver and the bigger game-breaker; Betts is a great RB2 and a top reserve. Let me emphasize that: Betts is a great reserve. Get it? Good, let's move on to important things...
Adrienne "Lassy" Lucas, Sports Grumblings
It's obvious to me that Lassy has become quite taken with me. And why not? I'm sure that all the "men" in Montana are too busy chasing cattle or planting wheat or whatever the hell it is they do for a living in that outpost of a state. Lassy always manages to work in a reference or two to Mr. X-- so I'm going to respond to the lovely Lass: ditch the Brokeback Mountain scene, pay a visit to Parts Unknown, and you can learn all about how Mr. X treats a woman. Just don't tell PETA about it, because I like to sleep late and those morons would probably make a lot of noise outside my apartment.
Until the next time I decide to educate you, this is Mr. X signing off-- don't forget to kick your dog tonight.
