Jon Kitna cleared his head just in time to pull out the win, thank God.

Jamal Lewis, RB Browns
Lewis rolled up 215 rushing yards against the Bengals, after the Cats had put up a good defensive effort against the Ravens. Look, Lewis actually looked slow in putting up all those yards—but the truth of the matter is that he’s going to be the only guy getting the carries in Cleveland, so as long as he can stay healthy, he’ll be an RB2 start for you all year long.

Eli Manning, QB Giants
While Manning’s numbers weren’t all that great against the Packers, he went a long way towards becoming a a true NFL QB by simply playing. He won the respect of his teammates and you can be sure that they’ll give 110% for him. Eli also essentially told Tiki Barber to shut his pie hole, and that also solidified his status as the quiet leader of the Giants.

Randy Moss, WR Patriots
Just when the rest of you rubes were just catching up to my advice from the past two seasons to devalue Moss in your draft, it’s finally time to bump him up again. Brady seems to have no problem looking for, and finding, Moss several times a game. I don’t think this is a short-term burst of production from Moss— I think he’ll be producing the rest of the way, and that’s a great thing for guys who waited until their fourth- or fifth-round pick to select Moss.

Joey Galloway, WR Bucs
Galloway may be older than dirt, but he’s holding up well. He made the Saints look silly this past weekend, and he’s still got the speed to get deep. With Jeff Garcia at the helm, opponents will be lulled to sleep with that dink-and-dunk crap, and when they get so bored to tears that they move up their safeties… well, that’s when Garcia heaves the ball deep to Galloway. Sounds like a plan.

Clinton Portis, RB Redskins
By the middle of the season, everyone will be declaring that they knew Clinton Portis would have been great. But don't believe them, because they’re lying… I flat–out told you that Portis was going to have a good year, and I stick by that. He’s had 167 rushing yards and two TDs in two games, but a near 5.0 ypc. Nice.

Honorable mentions: Plaxico Burress, Derrick Ward, Travis Henry, Lamont Jordan.
 

Going Down 

L.J. Smith, TE Eagles
Smith is a talented tight end, but he gets hurt more than a gay man’s feelings at a Baptist convention. You never know when he’ll play, when he’s going to get scratched, when he’ll play but not feel good enough to catch a damn pass… if you can, trade him to some idiot Eagles’ fan in your league for anything you can get.

Jon Kitna, QB Lions
Kitna hasn’t played all that bad, but the second he credited God for getting rid of his concussion long enough for him to lead the Lions to a win, I knew he was nuts. And nuts are for peanut butter, not your fantasy team. Listen folks, God is too busy worrying about important things—I doubt football is his top priority. If anyone tells you that God cares whether or not the Lions beat the Vikings enough to cure Kitna’s concussion, back away from that person slowly and call the authorities.

Donovan McNabb, QB Eagles
McNabb has had two shaky games in a row, and the only thing he can say is that black QBs are under more scrutiny than white QBs. Huh? Listen stupid, don't blame the media or the fans or anything other than your own abilities and your team's abilities. I lost a lot of respect for McNabb after I heard that comment; fortunately, his playing so far below his ability makes it easy for me to put him on this list.

Norv Turner, HC Chargers
This guy is the coaching equivalent of a black cat crossing your path while you're under a ladder on Friday the 13^th. Anything he touches turns to crap… how can you possibly screw up giving the ball to Ladanian Tomlinson 30 times a game? Or throwing 12 passes to Antonio Gates? The Chargers are already looking like a team on the verge of panic—and Phillip Rivers looks completely shell-shocked. Turner simply blows. Speaking of blowing…

Jenna Jameson, Adult Actress
What the hell is going on? I saw some pictures of Jenna on the beach, running around in a white bikini. Now unlike some of her movies involving the beach, large Jamaican gentlemen and various shellfish, this involved no form of artistry. No, the person identified as “Jenna Jameson” in the pics was all scrawny, a thin scarecrow of a woman with a huge Nancy Reagan-type of head. Then I read the article, and they said it was indeed Jenna, only like 100 lbs lighter, and with-- get this-- a boob reduction. Now this is horrible news. Not only is there one less hot, big-breasted chick in the world, society has lost one of its most dedicated artists. I mean, Jenna has turned out over 500 movies. Where will we turn to to replace that prodigious output? I mean, besdes the Japanese, German, Danish, Swedish, British, Italian and American porn industries? I would be depressed, except for the fact that I have all of her movies on DVD and I have a chick of my own to bang. But for most of you, this is like finding out there’s no Santa Claus or Easter Bunny. I'll say a prayer for you roto-geeks.

Honorable mention: Steven Jackson, Chad Pennington, Larry Johnson, Cedric Benson.