Imagine seeing this in your local mega-store... Mr. X did last week.

I'm going to ask you to trust me this week. I know you rubes are easy marks and probably get taken in by various hucksters and snake-oil salesmen, but what I'm about to tell you really happened. So lean in and listen, because you might actually learn something...

I was shopping for some protein mix and Gatorade at the local Target last week, when I heard a strange noise. Being the curious type, I started to follow the noise and, after walking about four aisles over, found out what was making that strange beeping sound: it was a fat chick. Not your ordinary fat broad, with too-tight jeans and t-shirt that says "Sexy" on it, but a woman so overweight that she could not muster the energy to stand upright. The beeping noise was coming from one of those golf-cart type of vehicles that you typically see old people or the handicapped use-- see, she had apparently taken a turn too fast at 1 mph and gotten her rear wheel stuck on a low shelf.

Now, you would think that being stuck would have motivated this fat f*ck to pull her wide-load ass off that poor machine so she could get it untangled from the shelf. But no, she just sat there, with the thing beeping because she was trying to back up-- when I got there, she just looked up at me, those big, fat puffy eyes of hers tearing up, obviously in need of some assistance (and dignity).

Acting quickly, I ran to the food section, picked up some Slim-Fast, ran back to that fat broad and placed it in her little basket, which was hanging off the handlebar of her ride. Proud of myself for possessing the humanity to helped this beached whale, I confidently strode to the cashier, as the sound of beeping and high-cholesterol tears faded in the distance.

Here's the lesson to be learned from my experience: doing the right thing isn't always pleasant, but it's always the way to go. Look at that stupid woman in Target-- she obviously decided to take the easy way in life, shoving massive amounts of candy, fried food and cake down her stupid bloated throat, instead of eating right and showing some self-restraint. Think I enjoy eating salads and low-fat crap and working out three hours a day? No, I don't... then again, you'll never find me at a Target, beeping like a damn beached whale waiting for AAA to tow my scooter out of the Candy aisle.

And that's how my story ends. A chick so bloated and obese that she beeped when she backed up. Believe it or not.

For you losers only interested in fantasy football, on to my tremendous knowledge of the game...