"Helmet? I don't need no stinkin' helmet!"

This past week was pretty damn good, let me tell you. There were some great football moments that absolutely made me either smile or laugh or just plain cheer. First of all, there's Adrian Peterson. The Vikings' all-world rookie broke the single-game rushing record by rolling for 296 yards... 253 in one half! Peterson did his damage against what was a pretty stingy rush defense, it wasn't like he was running against his own team's defense...

Then I was treated to the fantastic site of Shaun Rogers, an allegedly 340lb defensive tackle, intercepting a pass and then booking 66 yards to the end zone, laying a vicious stiff-arm on would-be tackler Mike Bell along the way. I say "allegedly 340lbs", because he looks closer to 385 to my highly-trained eye. And how stupid is Bell? He should have run past Rogers, then fallen down in his path in an effort to trip him. Bell deserved the smackdown he got for trying to arm-tackle Rogers.

Damn, that Colts-Patriots game was a good one. Really enjoyed watching it. I got the feeling that if the Colts had Marvin Harrison to help get an extra first down or two, the outcome may have been different. Then again, Tom Brady is in such a zone (as is Randy Moss)  that they might have won regardless. All I know is that despite my natural disdain for New Englanders (that stupid accent of theirs drives me up a wall), I find myself rooting for the Patriots-- if for no other reason than they are keeping all those miserable old 1972 Dolphins off television. You know the guys I'm talking about-- the jerks that pop champagne when the final unbeaten team loses its first game of the season. Nice sportsmanship, a$$holes. Hey, I wonder how my spineless editor will censor "a$$holes" this week...

Then there was Jason Witten. He took a massive beating from two Eagles defenders; one hit him square on the chin, the other basically ripped his helmet off. Not only did Witten refuse to go down, he raced another 30 yards before being brought down. Muy macho!

Witten was almost as manly in his actions as I was Sunday night. After getting totally jazzed up by the NFL action, I was even more sexually abusive to my stupid girlfriend than I usually am. But unlike Witten, I made sure she was wearing her helmet-- didn't want her getting a concussion from the headboard. I know, I know... I don't seem like that type of guy. But I've put too much effort into training this bimbo, and I am just too damn lazy to start over with someone else, so I tend to take it easy on her. Thus the precaution of wearing the motorcycle helmet.

While you rubes ponder the plausibility of my sexual prowess and overpowering empathy toward the lesser gender, I'll just go ahead and bestow my football wisdom to you...