Mr. X gives thanks for men like Seahawks' kicker Josh Brown.

It's that time of year-- when overweight slobs like yourselves claim to go off their diets "just for one day" to gorge themselves on enough food to feed a third-world nation. So just for this week, most of you will switch from eating those disgusting fast-food burgers and greasy fries just long enough to eat a turkey, cram candied yams and mashed potatoes down your throats, topped off with half a pecan pie with a quart of ice cream. Three cheers for cholesterol and an early grave!

While you losers stuff your faces, I will start Thanksgiving the way I start every day: dieting and working out. Then I will get some work in before I head to my mom's house for dinner with the extended X family. Sure, I get along with only about 10% of my family-- after all, there's no rule that says relatives can't be annoying pieces of crap--  but my mom is the best cook when it comes to turkey. If my stupid girlfriend ever learned to cook like my mom, I might learn to respect her a bit, instead of mercilessly abusing her and treating her like nothing more than a receptacle of bodily fluids. Go ahead, e-mail that pansy editor of mine... it's not like I listen to anything he says anyway.

However, since it is  Thanksgiving and I really do like the concept of the holiday (feigning friendship then eventually slaughtering indigenous peoples while eating a low-fat bird), I'm going to break from the awesome Fire Sale format and present my special Thanksgiving Fire Sale edition...

Michael Vick, Inmate
I am thankful for Michael Vick and the entire dog-fighting situation. Without Vick to remind me, I may have forgotten the utter disdain I have for a significant portion of this nation.Gooooo South!

Game Day Waiver Moves
I am thankful for fantasy leagues that allow me to make last minute waiver moves... usually after I read Tony Finn's Sunday No Huddle and find out that some dumb ass like Marvin Harrison or L.J. Smith is sitting out the game. Any commissioner or league that disallows game-day waivers is a damn communist in my book.

The New England Patriots
I really couldn't care less if the Patriots go 16-0; but I am thankful for any team that generates a huge amount of heat with the rubes... er, readers of Sports Grumblings. Here's my take: if they can't stop you, keep scoring TDs. If they don't take a knee, keep blitzing. Simple rules to live by.

Josh Brown, PK Seahawks
I am thankful for Josh Brown, because he hustled downfield against the Bears, put a hit on Devin Hester, nearly stripped him of the ball, and brought him down. Let me repeat that: a kicker ran down and and tackled the best return man in the game. Makes me want to start thinking of kickers as more than just an annoying necessity.

The Cleveland Browns
I am thankful for my keen analytical powers and the ability to pile on the Browns' bandwagon early in the season. Spotting the fantasy potential of guys like Derek Anderson, Jamal Lewis, Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow-- on a team most fantasy owners avoided like the plague-- has most of my fantasy teams in the money so far, and I stand to make a little cash as well.

The Volume Control
I am thankful for the volume control on my television because without it, I'd be forced to listen to idiots like John Madden and Dan Dierdorf during the games. And if you think that those two are worth listening to, you are a lost cause and no longer allowed to read my column.

Silicone and Vast Emptiness
I am especially thankful for the return of silicone implants and the brainless bimbos that jam large quantities of the stuff into their funbags. I know the FDA at one point had banned silicone implants due to safety concerns, but obviously the busy-bodies at the FDA know nothing about women or my need to have big breasts circling my head at all times.