Mr. X trains his expert gaze upon the right elbow of Jake Delhomme and says.. what?

Welcome to the first Fire Sale of the 2008 fantasy football season! I’m sure the five months since my last column have been like hell for you losers, but look at it this way: you’ve been waiting five months for this stupid column, but you’re still  waiting to bang a hot chick.

At least you have this column; to find a hot chick, cash in your Savings bonds, buy some roofies and get on Match.com or AdultFriendFinder.com. My guess is that’s the only way you losers are going to get any quality broads.

For those of you that have never read the Fire Sale, I’ll do you a favor: if you belong to one of the following groups—

• Non-U.S. citizens
• Liberals
• Conservatives
• Ugly Women
• Women with any sort of self-respect
• Gay men
• Soccer fans (a sub-division of the previous group)
• Emo Kids
• From any state where “Y’all” is uttered
• Religious morons

Then you’ll probably find this column offensive and send many e-mails to my editor, John Georgopoulos, demanding that he kills this column. I’ll save you the trouble: that guy is a huge wuss and he’s not going to do @#%!$. See? The only thing he’s worried about is me using dirty words, like “*&!%$#” and “@!^%$”.I bet he’s replaced all the letters of those words with those funny symbols…

For those of you morons that have actually made it this far, you’ll also realize that I am really into three things:

1. Working out
2. Football
3. Banging broads with huge cans

You see, I found out early on that doing a lot of #1 makes you good at #2, which allows you to do plenty of #3… and through much analysis, I’ve discovered that broads with huge cans that bang guys like me are also pretty stupid, which is the cherry on the sundae.

Still with me? Have you gotten past the jealousy of knowing that I am banging model-quality broads while you’re probably married to a 200 lb “woman” with three screaming rug rats? If you have, then you’ll notice the final thing about this column:

It’s the single most entertaining and insightful fantasy football column you’ll ever read.

You’ll laugh at my jokes, until the day I make fun of you and your family; you’ll call me an idiot for crapping on your favorite player, until that guy gets arrested for DUI and ruins your fantasy season; you’ll demand that Georgopoulos fires me and kills this column, until you realize that despite it all, you’re here every week reading what I have to say.

So for those of you still reading this crap, congratulations… now go kick your dog or your wife, whichever one of those two animals is closer. On with this edition of the Fire Sale:

Going Up

Jake Delhomme, QB Panthers – Delhomme had ligament replacement surgery in his throwing arm, which sounds pretty damn serious to me. Although, at the request of my stupid editor, I have to stipulate that I’m not a medical doctor and therefore have no actual knowledge of how damn serious the injury actually was. OK, now that the damn lawyers are satisfied… I think that Delhomme might be one of those QB3 guys you pick up in the 18^th round of your Draft and allow him to sit for the first 3-4 weeks of the season. Why? Well, everything I’ve heard about ol’ Jake is that his arm responded well to the surgery and that he’s been throwing without any pain. The only concern seems to be mental—how will he react when he gets into a game? Or when he gets hit for the first time? Perhaps even worse, how will he handle the thought of getting hit? Delhomme worked hard to get to the NFL and become a solid starting QB prior to his injury. I think he’s got the mental toughness of an Armenian rug salesman… meaning he doesn’t let the haters and pessimists get the best of him. I’m sure that he’ll bounce back strong this season.

Adrian Peterson and Matt Forte, RB Bears  - Thanks to Cedric Benson’s affinity for booze and boats, Peterson and Forte both see their values go up. However, I don’t think either of them will amount to much this season in Chicago. As a matter of fact, I really don’t see anyone on the Bears’ offense having a big season. Or on their defense. As a matter of fact, just treat the Bears the way I treat my girlfriend: take a long look, and just when you think you see something you like—slap yourself in the face and realize there’s a lot better out there for you.

Kevin Jones, RB Free Agent – A lot of people have already counted out Jones, seeing as how he was cut by the Lions after injuring his knee. I don’t know if he’ll ever be the runner he was before he got hurt, but I do think that this kid has the heart to make it back to the NFL. This past week he held an audition for four teams (the Dolphins, Lions, Packers and Steelers) and showed that he is on his way back, doing a 4.3 shuttle run and cutting hard on his reconstructed knee. I find myself rooting for this kid, just like I root for a hooker with big cans: it’s just a natural reaction. If you’re in one of those leagues that lets you stash players on IR, take a chance on Jones.

Going Down

Donald Driver and Greg Jennings, WR Packers – With Brett Favre retired and Aaron Rodgers taking the helm as a largely untested QB, I think that the Packers will now fully transition to a run-first offense. Good news for Ryan Grant, but I’m expecting a drop in production from both of the Packers’ ace receivers. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think they’ll stink or that you should avoid them like a Brazilian tranny. What I am saying is that you should knock ‘em down by about 10% and maybe wait an extra round to get them.

Jeremy Shockey, TE Giants – Man, I bet no one saw this coming, right? Look, before he started flapping his gums, I was one of those people who felt Shockey could still come back to the Giants and produce. Don’t buy into this Kevin Boss nonsense; every player on that team knows that Shockey makes the Giants’ offense more dangerous than it is with Boss. But after he started getting into public arguments with GM Jerry Reese and saying stupid things like “I never said anything about the Giants in public until now…”, I’m wondering how much he’s damaged himself in the eyes of his teammates. Regardless, his value is dropping, meaning the Giants won’t likely move him to another team—and that he’ll continue to spend a lot of his time blocking for Eli Manning instead of catching passes from him. Eh… million dollar talent with a 10 cent brain.

Brandon Marshall, WR Broncos – Yet another NFL player that has trouble following him around 24x7. First there was Marshall getting arrested for DUI in 2007; then horsing around with his brother, slipping on a McDonalds wrapper and severely slicing his forearm; then his March 6^th arrest for allegedly hitting his girlfriend in the face. Look, I could understand getting angry and wanting to hit your girlfriend—the thought crosses my mind every time my dumb hole opens her mouth to say anything—but I never actually do it (unless we’re having sex, in which case it’s considered foreplay). But drinking and driving? Messing around and getting injured? I don’t care how talented Marshall is, I’ll say what Jay Cutler and Mike Shanahan are probably thinking: Marshall is a %!&^*$@# idiot.