The whole Brett Favre situation is not sitting well with Mr. X...

So I’m sitting on a plane on a cross-country flight as I jot down these words of wisdom for you guys. For security purposes, I won’t name my starting and ending points. Not that I am afraid of you out-of-shape goofs, but that skirt-wearing editor of mine, John Georgopoulos, received a ton of hate mail from you rubes. Turns out that many of you thought I was too harsh on your stupid kids, fat wives and your overall miserable existences.

Some of that hate mail included the usual feeble attempts by you losers to explain to me that while many of my readers are, in fact, fat losers, you were not. Of course not… everyone is a loser but you, right Josephus?

But what really caught my attention were some of the physical threats that came my way—usually with origins south of the Mason-Dixon line, where gun ownership and marrying your cousin are commonplace.

So while I feel confident that me and my 19-biceps are more than a match for any one of you  beer-swilling hayseeds, the prospect of catching a stray shotgun blast at an airport doesn’t really appeal to me. So suffice to say, I will NOT…

• Be announcing my whereabouts any time soon
• Be personally corresponding with any of you losers
• Be feeling any remorse about telling it like it is, especially when it comes to fat ugly chicks and their disgusting habits, like wearing too-tight pants they perfectly highlight their cottage-cheese butts

However, feel free to keep sending your hate mail to Georgopoulos, because unlike me, he seems to wet his pants every time he gets threatened by you hillbillies. And no matter how many times you see your editor running for the crapper wearing a pair of soiled jeans, it never gets old.

Anyway, this edition of the Fire Sale will bring all you airheads up to date with some of the interesting happenings of recent weeks in the fantasy football universe—or as I would like this column to be called: “The Universe According to Mr. X.

Jeremy Shockey Gets Traded

The Giants finally were finally able to move Shockey for a decent price, second- and fifth-round picks in the 2009 Draft. While Shockey had infuriated the Giants brass, most of his teammates had his back and felt they were a better team with him than without him. And here’s some news for you: Kevin Boss will not be anywhere near as effective as Shockey as a receiver, and it remains to be seen whether or not Boss is as good a blocker as Shockey—something for which the Giants never properly gave him credit.

On the other hand, the Saints are giddier than my girlfriend when she finds out she’s about to have sex with me. Shockey immediately becomes the second-best receiver on the team (behind stud WR Marques Colston); he’s playing for a coach (Sean Payton) who was his OC in New York when he was the most productive; and he has a QB (Drew Brees) who loooves  throwing seam patterns to the TE. Think I’m joking about that last point? Check Antonio Gates’ numbers under Brees and Phillip Rivers. In terms of production, I look for Boss to be about 80% as productive as Shockey was for the Giants, while I’ve bumped Shockey back into my Top Five  TEs.

But here’s the hidden part of this trade: when the Saints acquired LB Jonathan Vilma from the Jets, they gave up a conditional 2009 third-round pick. What most folks don’t realize is that if Vilma hits certain milestones, that third-rounder will become a second-rounder for the Jets. If that happens, the Giants would get the Saints 2009 first-rounder along with the fifth-rounder. In that event, I think that we’d all agree that the Giants got more than fair value for Shockey.

Steve Smith Gets Suspended

Have you seen the new shoe commercial featuring Panthers WR Steve Smith? It’s really cute… it shows him looking real mean and tough, pretending to be a boxer. It was even funnier the day after the commercial started getting airplay, when Smith beat the living snot out of teammate CB Ken Lucas during a break in practice. It was so funny that the Panthers decided to send Smith home, lest the team die laughing. The incident was sooooo funny that the Panthers took it a step further and suspended Smith for the first two games of the regular season. Man, this just gets funnier and funnier… just like the time my stupid girlfriend forgot to take her Pill the day of our “X Marks the Spot” sex fest.

While I’m for law and order, I’m not so sure this was a brilliant move by John Fox. I mean, Smith is clearly the best player on that offense, and without him, those first two games just became a whole lot easier to lose. Why punish the rest of the team? Maybe a stiff fine and running extra laps or something like that would have been a more fitting punishment.

Fantasy-wise, I’ve dropped Smith by about 10%. For those of you who still haven’t gotten to fractions in math class, that means I’ve dropped him about four spots in my WR rankings.

Brandon Marshall Continues To Resemble a Train Wreck

Let’s face it: some people simply can’t handle success. History is filled with examples; think of any teenaged star or redneck who wins the lottery, then blows all his winnings on a failed “git richer” scheme. Marshall seems to fit into this category.

There’s no doubting that this kid is super-talented, and I can remember touting him to you losers in a Fire Sale last season. While he has performed on the field, his off-field problems have approached Chris Henry levels. After being arrested for the third time, Marshall has been suspended three games by the NFL for violations of its Personal Conduct policy.

Obviously, I’ve downgraded Marshall on my list because he’ll be sitting out the games, but something about this guy makes me feel uneasy— more than the way I feel about Steve Smith. Smith lost his temper at a teammate—but it’s not like the law is coming after him. Marshall just seems to me to be more of a loose cannon, someone who might snap at any given moment. And if that happens, you’ll be out a high pick. So I’m recommending that all you rubes avoid drafting Marshall this year—I don’t care if he comes back and hauls in 90 passes and 15 TDs, It’s like going backdoor with a Brazillian hooker without any protection: it’ll be fun while you’re doing it, and you might even make it out without contracting any deadly diseases, but who needs the headache. Just bang American, I say.

The Brett Favre Circus

I was having dinner at my usual diner last week, when this really hot-looking girl recognized me (I wasn’t wearing my mask) and sat next to me. Typically, this story would end with me pinning her ankles behind her ears a couple of hours later and crawling out her bedroom window before she woke up the next morning. But in this particular case, all she wanted to do was talk about Brett Favre and how awful it was that the Packers didn’t want him back. Then she mentioned how cute he looked and if I could get her his autograph.

I’m relating this story to you because (a) it shows you how ridiculous this whole Favre situation has become, that it draws the attention of some hot chick with huge cans and (b) I met the broad two days later with a picture of Favre that I scribbled his signature on. Needless to say, I scored some nice tail that very same night.

Favre has every right to play, of course. But Favre’s been stringing the team along like a high school c_ck tease… “I’m retiring… I’m coming back… I’m quitting… I want to play”. Geez, Brett, take a stand. The Packers have had to deal with this nonsense for the past three years, waiting on Favre to decide whether he would retire or not. Favre announced his retirement, and claimed he meant it this time. The Packers believed him, anointed Aaron Rodgers and drafted Brian Brohm. They were clearly moving on, but what do they do know that the “Legend” has decided to return?

My best guess is that one of thwo things will happen: (1) Favre will take a payoff to stay retired or (2) he’ll be traded or released. But I don’t think he’ll be on the Packers roster come Opening Day.

If you’re drafting, go ahead and draft Rodgers… you can even take a flyer on Favre, as long as it’s for your QB3 slot. But the QBs you need to worry about are Tavaris Jackson, Chad Pennington/Kellen Clemens and Rex Grossman/Kyle Orton.  The reason I say that is because I figure if Favre is released, he’ll probably sign with the Vikings. If the Packers trade him, there’s three teams I’m betting on as destinations: Minnesota, Chicago and the Jets. Chicago and Minnesota are long-shots since they share the NFC North with the Packers—but they might be able to put together the best deal.

Either way, this situation reeks, and I have to put the blame squarely on the great Brett Favre.