Gunnery Sgt. R. Lee Ermey - a shining example of masculinity

There's not much in this world that I hold sacred... but two things that make the cut are (1) football and (2) hot broads with big cans and low self-esteem.

So you can imagine my rage when my editor showed me a press release that had crossed his desk. It started off like this:

SAN FRANCISCO – August 18, 2008 – Women Against Fantasy Sports, a new web site conceived by a Marin County woman abandoned by her husband for six months every year due to his fantasy football addiction, launched on Aug. 8.

Allison Lodish, 35, of Kentfield, Calif., and two sympathizers created the site as an outlet for people to ridicule, mourn and lament the loss of their partners who spend an inordinate amount of time online consuming player data, drafting and managing their teams, scouring stats, scores, and injury reports and trash-talking with friends and players in their leagues...

I'm not kidding, this is a total shoot. If you don't believe me go check the site out for yourselves.

Now, my editor suggested that I just ignore the press release... "Why give them any free publicity?" he said. I suppose he's right, but I can't let this slide without throwing in my two cents.

See, men in America have their testosterone drained about three minutes after they slide out of their mommas. Men are harassed, poked and prodded until every trace masculinity is flushed down the toilet. There's a long line of culprits: politicians, feminists, homosexuals, Al Gore, college professors, soccer coaches, wives and other nefarious evil-doers.

There's just three real pillars of manliness left in the world for all you "men" to use as inspiration: football, hot bimbos and freedom fighters such as R. Lee Ermey and myself. Since you losers can never be as masculine as R. Lee and myself,  or be able to bag and tag high-caliber broads, football is your only hope to retain what's between your legs.

Of course, since most of you haven't/can't play football, you came up with a substitute: fantasy football. While not perfect, it at least gives you an escape from your pitiful existences as pseudo-men.

And now you can see why these "Women Against Fantasy Sports" have really got me worked up... and not because any of them happen to be hot. I suppose I still retain some sort of connection to you wussed-out men and hate to see your last connection to real manhood-- fantasy football-- assailed by these  talking holes.

These broads complain that their "men" devote too much time to fantasy sports and aren't paying them enough attention, so they plan on shutting down fantasy sports. Really? Fantasy sports are the reason those pitiful excuses for men you call husbands are ignoring you? How about they ignore you because fantasy football excites them more than you do? How about because for a few hours a week, they can escape their miserable lives and interact with something all men should be a part of? Maybe if you "WAFS" hit the gym, stopped stuffing bon-bons past your double-chins and gave your husbands sex more than once every six months, maybe-- just maybe they'd regain some of their lost testosterone and actually want to spend time with you pigs! And seriously-- offer up some backdoor action once in a while-- maybe your "men" will actually stop staring at their computers and look forward to banging you.

Now I know that there will be some of you poor sons of bitches that live in so much fear of these "WAFS" that you'll feel the need to write my editor to complain. You figure you'll do that in order to keep your "WAFS" from cutting off your annual trim for 2009. Don't bother; Georgopoulos is one of you, which means he doesn't have the balls to fire me.

Damn... I'm so pumped right now. Let's get on with this edition of the Fire Sale, because I need to get out of here and put my girlfriend through some humiliating sex, just to show those "WAFS" who's boss...