If Felix Jones is so special, why doesn't Wade Phillips get him the ball more often?

Are any of you in these moronic two quarterback leagues? I took over this awful keeper team in my cousin’s league but I didn’t realize we had to start two quarterbacks. What sense does that make? I had one of my quarterbacks on a bye this week so I had to check out the waiver wire and as you might expect, the only guy available was Damon Huard. When I brought up how stupid this is to the rest of the league, these idiots responded, “It adds to the strategy.” No it doesn’t. It’s stupid. They tell me it promotes more trades and stuff. I’m sorry but I don’t feel like trading LaDainian Tomlinson for Joe Flacco just because I need another starting quarterback that week. I just don’t get the meaning behind it. Fantasy football was fine, why do we have to make all these ridiculous changes?

It’s the nerds. They are taking over the world. These people who live their life on Facebook and MySpace. Ever since these sites have popped up, guys have forgotten the easiest way to get laid: booze. Whatever happened to going out to a bar, getting some skinny slut drunk and dragging her back to your place for some no strings attached sex? No, we don’t have time for that because we are too busy trying to figure out ways to enhance our fantasy football leagues. What a bunch of pear-shaped losers. Anyway, e-mail me at newworldorder@gmx.com if you are in one of these geek-created leagues and let me know what you think. Now, onto to the New World Order:

Inside the Huddle

I spent four years in the NFL and still have many contacts around the league. Here is what I’m hearing:

--The Patriots have just about had it with RB Laurence Maroney. I was with the team when they drafted him and the only way to put it is they think he’s a pansy. Bill Belichick and the coaches gave him one more shot this season but after what he pulled this week in San Fran, expect to see less and less of Maroney until he grows a pair. Here is what I’m talking about:

It was 2^nd-and-6 at midfield for the Patriots. Maroney took a sweep around the left side and was running with a clear path to the first down marker, which was right in front of him. As Niners LB Patrick Willis was closing in on him, all Maroney had to do was lower his shoulder and he easily would have had the first down.  Instead, he took a sharp left turn out of bounds, leaving the Pats with a 3^rd-and-1. Maroney was immediately taken out and when he got to the sideline running backs coach Ivan Fears tore him a new one. We only saw Maroney again a handful of times the rest of the game. Here is what someone close to the Patriots e-mailed me after the game:

“To me plays like this are what get you a reputation in the league as being soft. There was no hiding what he did and everyone saw it. Bottom line, you can teach a lot of things but you can't teach heart and he just doesn't have it. I think that false bravado of his hides the simple fact that he plays scared. The verdict is in: Bust.”

--I was told that Aaron Rodgers wasn’t likely to start last week but he not only started, he had a big performance against the Falcons. However, I’m being told that there was a big split in the organization on whether or not to start Rodgers on Sunday. A lot of people with the Packers believed his shoulder needed a week of rest and I’m told that Rodgers was in tremendous pain after the game. Rodgers owners should prepare to have another quarterback waiting in the wings for later in the year because as one NFL guy told me, “They are keeping him (Rodgers) together with duct tape right now. No way he plays 16 games this year.”

--If you need help at running back and Cedric Benson is available, I would advise taking a chance on him. I have never been a big Benson fan because I think he’s a fat load of crap. However, Chris Perry’s fumbling problems have really landed him in the dog house. Perry had trouble holding onto the ball in college so much so that it hurt his draft stock. Unfortunately for Perry owners, he’s already fumbled five times this year, opening the door for Benson to get more carries. The Bengals obviously love Benson because he’s a scumbag and that’s what they look for in a player. I already dropped Perry in my league to pick up one of the five quarterbacks I need to keep on my roster.

--I said last week that Kevin Curtis might start against the Redskins. I’m told he was very close to playing and should be ready to go this week in San Fran. At worst, he’ll be back after the Eagles bye week and Andy Reid is going to get him back involved in the offense right away. If you have the roster room, pick up Curtis now. It’s better to be one week too early than one week too late.

Who’s Hot

Kyle Orton, QB Bears – Orton is never going to be a top-flight fantasy quarterback but if you play in a league like me where you have to start six players at that position, he’s worth picking up. Orton can put up numbers against bad defenses and he gets another shot at one this week in the Falcons, who can’t stop anybody through the air. Orton isn’t an every-week starter but he’s becoming a solid backup to play against the Detroit Lions of the football world.

Jeff Garcia, QB Bucs – Remember when Jon Gruden was trying to pass off Brian Griese as a starting quarterback? Oh wait, that was just last week. Whether it’s this week against Carolina or in the near future, the Bucs will have to go back to Garcia if they want to make a playoff push. Griese is a turnover machine and that’s not the way the Bucs like to play. I think Garcia is going to be a valuable fantasy asset over the second half of the season. I just picked him up in my league. Did I tell you I had to start like six quarterbacks for some reason?

Felix Jones, RB Cowboys – I’m a Cowboys fan but I also don’t heap praise on their players for no reason. Having said that, Jones is a special player. Every time he touches the football I feel like he’s going to score. It’s a shame that Bum Jr. is too busy trying to get the ball to T.O. because if he had a brain in his head, he would know he has one of the most dangerous offensive weapons in the NFL on his team. Jones is going to be a superstar, just as long as Coach Owens allows him to get the football more than twice a game.

Who’s Not

The Lions – Sweet mother of God, what is this team doing? They don’t even want to be on the field. What a terrible situation they have going on in Detroit. If I had any Lions on my fantasy team (and luckily for me I don’t) I would be taking 30 cents on the dollar for them. Just get rid of them. Guys like Roy Williams and Calvin Johnson will have a big game here or there but why do you want to be the person trying to guess when that will be? Let someone else have that headache.

JaMarcus Russell, QB Raiders – I never liked Russell and now I’m sure he stinks because Al Davis said in his embarrassing press conference after he fired Lane Kiffin, “I know you didn’t want to draft JaMarcus Russell. Get over it. He’s a good player.” Actually Al, he sucks. Of course, what can you expect from a man who looks like walking death? I’ve actually seen Davis up close and he actually wears a diaper. Yeah, that’s who I want making decisions for my football team, a guy who poops himself.

Ravens Receivers – If you have one on your team, you obviously have no idea how to play fantasy football. The goal is to score as many points as possible and if you are taking up a roster spot with a Ravens receiver, you have no intentions of accomplishing that goal. So look at your team and if you have a Baltimore receiver on it, quit playing fantasy football and find something else to do because you are hopeless.

Boner of the Week: Norv Turner. Come on. What are the Chargers thinking hiring this douche? I bet the Dolphins big on Sunday because I knew damn well there was no way the Chargers would cover a touchdown on the road. Of course, they not only didn’t cover the spread, they lost outright. I don’t think franchises like Dallas and San Diego understand that a team’s window to win a Super Bowl is a short one. You have two teams with amazing talent who won’t win a damn thing. Think about this: Would the Chargers be 2-3 if Bill Belichick or Jeff Fisher were the head coach? I think we all know the answer to that question.

If you guys need my expertise (and I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t) send me a desperate plea for help at newworldorder@gmx.com. I enjoy reading hate mail, so be sure to send that as well.