Darren Sproles should see his touches go up in the coming weeks.

Has anyone heard of this new craze called Pilates? My girlfriend enjoys taking these classes but our gym out in Vegas doesn’t offer them so she asked me to check out this Pilates studio across the street from my office. So I walk in and first of all, the guy at the desk couldn’t be any gayer if he tried. It makes no difference to me if he’s gay or straight but this guy wanted to jump my bones from the second I walked in the door. Despite me telling him I was inquiring for my girlfriend, he repeatedly told me how Pilates could benefit me. I’m a 235-pound weightlifter so I could care less how Pilates will help my “flexibility.” Why do I need to be flexible? I fit in my recliner just fine and the TV practically changes itself.

So after he realizes that I’m not gay and I was really there for my girlfriend, he gives me a list of prices. It’s just $500 for 10 sessions. In other words, it’s $500 for two weeks. I ask him if anyone is actually dumb enough to pay that kind of money for a glorified Yoga class. He gets offended and asks me to leave. I tell him to f**k off and go back to work. I get home and my girlfriend asks me what she’s supposed to do. I point to the Bowflex and say, “There. You will actually have to work out instead of rolling around on the floor like a loser.” Pilates is everything that’s currently wrong in the world. That and moronic people like Georgopoulos who still insist that George Bush is doing a good job. Now, onto the New World Order:

Inside the Huddle

I spent four years in the NFL and still have many contacts around the league. Here is what I’m hearing:

--You may want to pick up Darren Sproles if he’s still available in your league. I’m told from a guy out in San Diego that LaDainian Tomlinson’s toe is getting worse and Sproles is going to start getting more carries. Despite their slow start, the Chargers still plan on making the playoffs and they want LT to be at full strength later in the year. Any time the team can give Tomlinson a rest they will, which hurts his overall fantasy value and helps Sproles.

--Expect to see Chris Johnson be even more involved in the Titans offense. I’m told that the team is so impressed with Johnson that they spent most of the bye week finding new ways to get him the football. Remember, Tennessee doesn’t have many playmakers on offense, so they want to get the ball into Johnson’s hands as much as possible. Now may be a good time to go after Johnson with people still worried about LenDale White stealing goal line carries. I think Johnson is going to be one of fantasy football’s biggest stars over the second half of the season.

--For those of you that have Carson Palmer don’t be surprised if he gets shut down for the season at some point. The Bengals are extremely concerned about Palmer’s injured elbow and it’s obvious the team isn’t going anywhere this season. Palmer is out again this week and if his elbow doesn’t improve soon, he may not see the field again in 2008.

--If you need a quarterback in your league, pick up Jeff Garcia. Jon Gruden isn’t a big fan of Garcia off the field (Garcia has never been popular with his teammates) but the bottom line is he’s the kind of quarterback the Bucs need to make a postseason run. Brian Griese turns the ball over way too much and that hurts the way Tampa likes to play. Garcia showed against the Panthers that he can still move the offense effectively and most importantly, protect the football. From everything I’m hearing the only way Garcia won’t be the Bucs starter is if Gruden can’t put their personal differences behind.

Who’s Hot

Chad Pennington, QB Jets – With all the talk about the Dolphins running the Wildcat offense, Pennington has been kind of lost in the shuffle. In reality, Miami’s innovative offense has actually helped Pennington because defenses don’t know what is coming. Listen, Pennington is never going to be a fantasy monster. We all know that. However, if you need some help at the quarterback position, you can do a lot worse than Pennington right now.

Donnie Avery, WR Rams – The Rams rookie receiver is really starting to shine. In his last three games Avery has caught 10 balls for 139 yards. He’s a small, quick guy kind of like Wes Welker who is a nightmare for defensive backs to keep up with. Avery has another good matchup this week against the Cowboys, so if you need a receiver and Avery is available, I would recommend picking him up.

Joey Galloway, WR Bucs – Galloway returned to practice this week and I’m being told that he will play on Sunday against the Seahawks. There are two reasons to like Galloway. First, the Seahawks defense is a mess right now and they can’t stop anyone. Second, Garcia loves getting the ball to Galloway down the field. I wouldn’t be as high on Galloway if Griese was under center but some quarterbacks have chemistry with certain receivers. As long as Garcia is in there, you can expect Galloway to put up big numbers.

Who’s Not

Matt Forte, RB Bears – Forte scored a touchdown this week but he only racked up 76 yards on 20 carries. Since his big game against the Colts, Forte has been average. Here’s the thing about the Colts. When they play run defense it’s like a porn star spreading her legs, with how wide open the gaps are for opposing backs to get through. Forte will still score near the goal line but he really needs to step it up because the last four weeks he’s averaged 3.3, 2.3, 2.4 and 3.8 yards per carry. Those are Curtis Enis-like performances.

Fred Taylor, RB Jaguars – I know Taylor got hurt early against the Broncos but with Maurice Jones-Drew getting more and more carries, I can’t see Taylor being depended on anymore for fantasy football purposes. One of the best fantasy backs of the last decade, Taylor continues to give way to the younger and much more explosive Jones-Drew. At this point, I don’t even consider Taylor a spot-starter in most leagues.

Julius Jones, RB Seahawks – It looks like his run is over. As a Cowboys fan, here is a little secret about Jones: he sucks. Jones can only get through a hole if it’s big enough for my fat ass to get through. In other words, unless Jones is playing teams like the Colts or Rams, he’s pretty much useless. And now with Maurice Morris getting healthy again, I expect Jones to start splitting carries once again. If you have Jones on your roster like I do, trade him away for anything you can get.

My Cousin-in-Law – My douche bag cousin-in-law who idolizes me has started up this rinky dink little fantasy site and has been begging me to give him a plug. He’s one of those geeks who spends all of his time looking up stats and things of that nature. In other words, he is the exact opposite of me, seeing it only takes me roughly 10 minutes to write this drivel and I never look up anything. So do me a favor and check out his site at http://www.fightingchancefantasy.com/ so he’ll leave me alone and I never have to talk to him again.

Boner of the Week

Wade Phillips, Head Coach Cowboys - Did you see this big fat Oompa Loompa jumping up and down like a little girl after Nick Folk kicked the game-tying field goal? What a pear-shaped loser. Tell me one other coach in high school, college or the NFL that would act like that? Well, the Cowboys weren’t going anywhere with this fat loser as their head coach but now the wheels are coming off in Dallas. Tony Romo is out for a month, Felix Jones is out 2-4 weeks and Terence Newman is out for another three weeks. Everyone who was waiting to see the circus in Dallas can getcha’ popcorn ready. Right now Dallas needs an actual coach, not a lard-ass cheerleader. The Cowboys are all done and this is coming from someone who has been a fan of the team for over 25 years. Thanks a lot Jerry Jones. You are one hell of a GM. How ‘bout them Cowboys!