The Five Lamest Finishing Moves in the History of Pro Wrestling
John Georgopoulos
Senior Editor and Founder John T. Georgopoulos is a 15-year veteran of the fantasy sports industry. He has written for several national fantasy magazines and has appeared on sports talk stations around the country.
John has also been a six-time finalist for various Fantasy Sports Writer Association (FSWA) awards; his Fantasy Forecast column was awarded the 2006 Best Fantasy Football In-Season Series by the FSWA.
Does this look like a devastating maneuver to you?
It may get lost in today's wrestling universe, but finishing moves are meant to be the climax of the match-- not the typical swerve or run-in seen today. In the past, we got to see some fantastic finishing moves: Paul Orndorff's piledriver, Rob Van Dam's Frog Splash.
However, there have been some truly horrible finishing moves that have been hoisted upon fans. These finishing moves may have seemed like bright ideas to someone at the time, but it is immediately evident that, in fact, they sucked.
Here is my personal list of the Five Lamest Finishing Moves in the History of Pro Wrestling (all definitions courtesy of Wikipedia):
Finishing Move: The Bear Hug Famous Practitioners of the Move: Bruno Sammartino, Ivan Koloff, Big John Studd and others.
"A wrestler stands in front of an opponent and locks his hands around
the opponent, squeezing him. Often he will shake his body from side to
side, in order to generate more pain around the ribs and spine.
Frequently used by powerhouse style wrestlers, this rather simple to
apply hold was used by heels and faces alike."
Seriously, when did an over-exhuberant hug become a deadly finishing hold? Rather than try to make fans believe that powerhouse grapplers could think of no other more appropriate hold, bookers should have just presented us with the truth: "These big, muscle-bound wrestlers are too incompetent to be trusted to do anything complicated in the ring. And they tire real easy, so running and jumping around is also out of the question. So please help us out here and just accept the Bear Hug as a deadly finishing hold... please!"
Finishing Move: The Claw Famous Practitioners of the Move: The Von Erichs, Baron Von Raschke, Mick Foley, The Great Khali and others.
"The claw was a squeezing of the skull, by curling one's finger tips in
using primarily the last two knuckles of the finger, thereby applying
five different points of pressure. The focal point is to use gripping
power to almost attempt to shove ones fingers into the victims head as
oppose to just squeezing with the flat of ones fingers."
The Claw, whether of the Iron, Nerve or Mandible variety, always infuriated me. First, it was largely the coup de grace of foreign wrestlers (usually German/Austrian); secondly, I hated the concept of a finishing hold that depended more on the skills of the announcer than the wrestler performing the move. Think about it: how effective would any Claw have been to the viewing fan were it not for Gordon Solie or Jim Ross doing the play-by-play?
The only possible exception to the utter lameness of the Claw was its extreme cousin, the Testicular Claw (usually applied by a female wrestler, like Chyna or The Queen of Extreme Francine). Now that looked like a finishing hold!
Finishing Move: Spinning Toe Hold Famous Practitioners of the Move: Dory Funk Sr, Dory Funk Jr, Terry Funk.
"The wrestler using this move stands over the opponent who is lying on
the mat, face up and grasps a leg of the opponent. The wrestler then
turns 360 degrees over the leg twisting it inward. A wrestler will
repeatedly step over the leg and round again to twist the knee, and
ankle joint even more."
It pains me to say this, because Terry Funk was (is) one of my all-time favorite wrestlers. But the Spinning Toe Hold just never sold itself as a devastating maneuver. It always seemed as if the victim could always just twist a little bit to break the hold-- and what was with all that spinning?
Finishing Move: Gorilla Press Slam Famous Practitioners of the Move: Ultimate Warrior, British Bulldog, Nikolai Volkoff, Butch Reed and others.
"A transition lift taken from weight lifting, where the move gets its other common name; Military press, sees the wrestler lift an opponent up over their head with arms fully extended. From here many throws, drops and slams can be performed. It became a popular technique for larger and stronger wrestlers as the lift is seen to emphasize their height and power."
My main problem with this move is that it was always intended to be the set up for another finisher, but some of those guys began to use it as the actual finishing move. Was there anything more ridiculous than claiming that a Gorilla Slam had incapacitated a wrester who had just gone through a series of more visually intense moves?
Finishing Move: Sunset Flip Famous Practitioners of the Move: Ronnie Garvin.
"This move commonly sees an attacking wrestler dive over an opponent who
is facing him/her, usually bent over forwards, catching the opponent in
a waistlock from behind and landing back-first behind the opponent.
From that position the wrestler rolls forward into a sitting position,
pulling the opponent over backwards and down to the mat so that he
lands on his back into a sit-out position."
I was trying to decide between the "Hands of Stone", Sunset Flip and Backslide as the lamest of lame finishing moves. The Hands of Stone was pretty much a stiff punch to the forehead, and we've all been punched in the head, so Ican somewhat relate to that; with a Backslide, the pinned wrestler is on his head with his arms pinned behind his back-- I assume that's a bit uncomfortable. But a Sunset Flip? Why wouldn't a wrestler roll through the pin? Or ring the opponent's head with his legs? Or fart in the guy's face?
Then I realized something: all three of the above-mentioned finishing moves were used by Ron Garvin. Then I realized that, in fact, Ron Garvin was probably the lamest wrestler ever. Even more than Greg Gagne, and that's saying something.
What do you think were some lame finishing moves? Discuss it here!
